UnNews:Tom Cruise narrowly escapes being trapped in amber

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 September 2006

This almost happened!

HOLLYWOOD, California -- Tom Cruise had a lucky escape yesterday whilst out enjoying a walk, sources say. It seems that the pocket-sized heart-throb, star of such movies as Cocktail, Top Gun and Minority Report, became entranced by the bright color and sweet smell of sap leaking from a nearby tree. Within minutes, the wee fella became completely trapped in the sticky liquid. His desperate efforts to free himself physically came to nothing, and there was no-one around to hear his plaintive kitten-like mewlings. With no help in sight, he was forced to rely on his faith, Scientology, to save him.

Speaking to reporters after the incident, Cruise explained that the sap was actually "an amorphous blob-like assassin which may or may not have been sent by Lord Xenu, I can't be sure." Since the blob lacked any eyes, Cruise realised that it was somehow sensing the energy of his body thetans, as outlined the works of L. Ron Hubbard. With this in mind, he attempted to use his Operating Thetan powers over matter, energy, time and space to induce the sap to release him. However, the powers failed to work. "I was pretty shocked", the erratic sofa athlete explained, "that something could resist my powers. There were only two explanations: either this assassin was more powerful than me, or it was somehow using my own powers against me."

Sticky, sticky, sticky, tempting, sticky sap.

Cruise, who eats nothing but candy floss soaked in baby milk, found himself hyperventilating at the thought of being entombed for millennia in fossilized sap. Dismissing the idea of Exteriorizing with full Perceptics, he decided to perform a Sunshine Rundown to attain a Clear Mindstate in order to Submissify the Suppressive blob-person. According to Cruise, "It was pretty tough, I had to reverse the polarity of my thetan powers in order to defeat the assassin. By masking my energy levels, the blob could no longer detect me, a cloaking device, if you will." He was then able to summon a nearby raccoon to urinate on the sap, thinning it enough for him to struggle free after six hours.

Cruise later outlined his plan to deal with the threat of tree sap in the future, saying "Humanity has won this round, but Lord Xenu will be back. His motherships are disgorging more assassin-blobs onto the planet even as I speak. We need to cut down or burn as many of these motherships as possible."

Sources

• Penny Dreadful "Is Tom Cruise bat fuck insane?" UnNews, September 17, 2006