18 April 2006
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(UnNews Secret Headquarters) Cheers erupted here at the UnNews Secret Headquarters as judges revealed UnNews won twice as many Pulitzer prizes as the New Orleans Times-Picayune and Mississippi Sun Herald combined. But the news came as no surprise to the veteran staff, which has won a Pultizer in at least 10 categories every year since the prize's inception in 1917. "UnNews is simply the best fact source out there," said renowned reporter Bob Woodward. Even Fox News' Bill O'Reilly had to admit that UnNews is "Even more fair and balanced than us."
While the other two newspapers won for their extensive hurricane Katrina coverage, UnNews swept the field when it came to the 2005 season's other storms. The weather team covered each and every storm - from Arlene to Zeta. "No other news source devoted an entire issue to Tropical Storm Irene like we did," boldly declared US Correspondent Hinoa4. The prize committee additionally praised UnNews for its "valorous and comprehensive coverage ... providing a lifeline for devastated fans" during the Michael Jackson child molestation trial.
Even the "breaking news" category was given to UnNews, with Matt Drudge admitting that all his flashy headlines on drudereport.com are "stolen from UnNews, which always manages to get the story out first." With this year's unveiling of the UnNews Morse Code RSS feed, competitors admit they might soon be out of business. CBS president Les Moonves somberly noted that, "Even Katie Couric can't compare to the dashing beauty of Lady Keitei."
In the category of "Metanews", or "news about news", UnNews' story about it winning last year's Pulitzer prize took the award. Experts expect this very story that you are reading right now to capture the Metanews prize for 2006.
Even during hard times, UnNews staff continued to work tirelessly and meticously. Unlike other media organizations, we operated even at nighttime. Sitting by candlelight, fearless reporters lik Zim_ulator defied the Boogie Man and continued to publish breathtaking stories. Once, when the candle burned out, he continued to write using only a cigarette lighter for illumination. "It is precisely such dedication," summed up prize committee chairman Dave Randowski, "which has made UnNews the #1 news source in the universe."
The Pulitzer prize itself includes a gold medal and a cash award of $10,000. UnNews melted down the medal to make a set of golden grillz for each of its correspondents, and used the cash portion to fund a spectacular party. Speaking of which, it's now this reporter's turn to do a keg stand. Chants of "chug, chug, chug" can be heard in the background.
- AP "Times-Picayune, Sun Herald Win Pulitzer" "", April 17, 2006