UnNews:Threat of dirty pants 'increased'

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

25 March 2009

"John, why do those ladies look a bit scared?"

THERE IS AN INCREASED RISK terrorists could get hold of dirty pants, the Home Office has said. The assessment comes as Home Secretary Jacqui Smith unveiled a new UK strategy to tackle an evolved threat from used under-garments.

Ms Smith said the threat is "severe" - meaning the use of dirty underwear is "highly likely" and "could happen without warning".

Unnews toilet correspondent, Paulos Santos, said the threat posed by skid-marked, piss-stained and other soiled underpants "have always been something al-Qaeda have aspired to" but the report warns they are now within terrorists' grasp.

"There is a concern now among officials in the Home Office that the chances of them getting hold of a pair of poo marked Y-fronts have increased in a world of easy availability of soiled pants, bras and knickers"

He added that the greatest concern was not over an attack via a used pair of under-crackers "being wafted around a bit", but with a few pairs of "deliberately freshly soiled" pants which could contaminate a wide area and trigger panic.

Mrs Smith told Unnews of her particular concern at the lacksadasical security in the UKs 1000s of high street laundrettes: "We need to consider posting armed security at all public laundrettes to send a signal to the terrorists that want to acquire dirty underwear."

"Gone are the days when we can just leave a bin-liner with our shitty underwear for the attendant to process.".

Sources

• watch for splashback! "i need a poo" "PLOP!", March 25, 2009