UnNews:The Muppets take Manhatten
15 November 2006
NEW YORK, USA -- Shock news has just come in that the borough of Manhatten has been taken over by a crack strike force of millitant Muppets.
"They came out of nowhere, man," said a shell-shocked New York policeman played by special guest star Dennis Hopper. "One minute I'm on patrol, same as usual, man, then suddenly things go nuts! There's explosions, flying glass and colourful felt everywhere! I go down with a head wound, man, and when I look at the missile that hit me, its a fish! A freakin' fish! It's game over, man!"
Within an hour of the the initial assault, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (played by himself) had called out the National Guard. ""My aides informed me that the Muppets were revolting," he quipped, so I said, "Yeah! Especially that Animal guy!" It wasn't much of a line, but it's all in the delivery. You've got to sell it, but you can't over sell it, if you follow me.""
The National Guard encountered stiff resistance. Confused reports from the front indicate that the Muppets are heavily armed with cannons, TNT, black-powder bombs, cream pies and mouldy vaudville routines. At least one guardsman was severely injured when the head of a captured Muppet exploded. Most shockingly, the Muppets have flagrantly broken the Geneva Convention by setting up a fake medical aid post. When wounded guardsmen were brought in they were not treated, but instead subjected to an intense bombardment of lousy puns.
"We should have known this was coming." said a National Guard officer played by special guest star Jim Nabors. "These Muppets have already caused havok in Los Angeles and London with their wacky shenagegins, and now they seem set to take Manhatten as well."
"Damn them all to Hell!" he added.
Many have questioned just how the Muppets were able to attack a major American city without warning. Reports indicate that the NSA has been aware for weeks that Muppets have been massing in the area of New York known as Sesame Street. The attack has lead NYPD detectives to rexamine the recent discovery of the murdered remains of a Muppet eagle, fished out of the East River.
"We thought it was a drug related incident," said a detective played by guest star Eartha Kit, "But it's starting to look like they hit the guy to stop him talking to the authorities."
UPDATE Reports are still sketchy, but it seems that the Muppets have routed the National Guard and NYPD and are consolodating their hold upon the burough. Spy satallites over the area have reportedly been shot down by a pig-shaped spacecraft, leaving military planners wondering just what's next. Do the Muppets plan to use Manhatten as a base for attacking the rest of New York? Or do they plan to negotiate for the release of their leader, a mysterious figure known as 'The Frog'?
"One thing is sure," said the President (aka special guest star Steve Martin, "We do not negotiate with Muppets!"
Mr. Martin's pants then fell down, bringing the press conference to a close.
- Vincent Yarfnaro "Manhatten Under Muppet Attack." New York Philidephian, 2006 15, 2006
- "New York is Experience Super Puppet; and Attack!." Tokyo Gazette, 2006 15, 2006