UnNews:Terror threat against Fruit 'n Fibre
This article may be Overly British.
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9 December 2006
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WORTHINGTONHAMSHIRE, England --Britain's supplies of delicious yet nutritious breakfast cereal Fruit 'n Fibre are at risk from Al Qaeda attack, according to our intelligence sources. Whilst there is no specific warning regarding the cereal, it is understood that, at time of writing, there is no plan in place to prevent a Fruit 'n Fibre based attack, should Bin Laden's crazed hordes decide to strike.
Red-faced terror bosses were caught on the hop by the revelations. At a press conference last night, they attempted to cover their tracks with lame excuses like "We don't consider it very likely" although some admitted off the record that "It is possible, yes, in the same way it's possible the Sun won't come up tomorrow."
Last night, hordes of panicky shoppers should have been snapping up the last of the Fruit 'n Fibre, but at the shops our reporters visited, there was little sign of it. Much like the Blitz, Brits are putting on a stiff upper lip, refusing to be cowed by Bin Laden and his cronies. Indeed, many shoppers pretended to know nothing of the threat they faced when questioned, coming out with such morale-boosting slogans as "Oooh, am I going to be on TV?" and "Nah mate, can't stand the stuff."
How things might unfold
With information sketchy at the moment, we understand that an attack on the UK's Fruit 'n Fibre stocks could take at least two forms. According to international cereal terrorism expert Professor William Vauxhall, Al Qaeda may opt to attack Fruit 'n Fibre manufacturing facilities in a series of coordinated suicide strikes, or contaminate existing stocks by replacing the hazelnuts with polonium. "Either way, you're looking at a massive drop-off in Fruit 'n Fibre consumption, which would have a devastating knock-on effect on the rest of the country, effectively bringing Britain to its knees", he explained.
With no Fruit 'n Fibre, Brits would be forced to eat grey-brown sludge such as porridge, shredded wheat or Weetabix for the most important meal of the day, sending national morale plummeting. "Even worse, if breakfasters opt for toast, national supplies of bread would, according to my calculations, be exhausted within three days. There would literally be no alternative to cannibalism. Well, apart from a cooked breakfast, but they're bad for you," said Professor Vauxhall, who lectures at the University of Nottingham, but isn't mentioned on their website for security reasons. The Professor urged people to stay calm, and not try to take matters into their own hands, saying that "If people start mixing their own Fruit 'n Fibre, the terrorists have won".
- Il Duce "UKs regularity in peril?." Arse Hat Monthly, December 09, 2006