UnNews:Teacher admits entering hundreds of schoolboys
24 February 2007
Buggerington, THE PAEDOPH ISLES - The nation has been plunged into deep shock as, a top-secret undercover report by the The Scum newspaper exclusively revealed, a teacher at a top grammar school has been systematically raping 13 year-old boys that attend the school to, as he claims, "sort the wheat from the chaff".
Peter Fiyelle, a maths teacher at Buggerington Grammar School, says he can't see what the fuss is all about.
"I enter hundreds of children every year, and I have it on good authority this happens at schools across the country. It may be a bit painful for some of the weaker students, but what can't kill them will only make them stronger. You could say that enduring something extremely hard like what I put them through sorts the wheat from the chaff."
Headteacher at the school Dim Tingle defended the underfire teacher from the barrage of outrage that has left the school's critically damaged image after it was already battered after another teacher was suspended for using a Year 10 pupil's fat face as a satellite dish last year and another sent to prison for ten years for secretly using a Year 9 pupil as a kidney dialysis machine.
"My colleague Peter has entered hundreds of children every year for the past 25 years. No one has ever complained in the past. The pupils themselves might complain but we're only doing this because we love them. In fact, it has to be said, I rather enjoy watching it all myself, it makes me feel very proud entering so many pupils at once."
Astonished that such cruel abuse of children should be taking place on such a casual basis, we took it upon ourselves to harrass parents of pupils of the school.
Wayne Carr, a parent of a child at the school, said that a letter to the parents of Year 7 and 8 pupils detailing to them that their children are going to be entered this year for a "Maths Olympiad". Parents had to sign a legally binding contract at the bottom of the letter which gives the school their consent to "probe their children thoroughly" and parents were assured it would be a "stiff one, even for the most able of pupils".
Another parent, who didn't wish to be named, claimed that she had suspected that this Maths Olympiad might actually be a bona-fide mathematical clash of the titans, but then when presented with our evidence, collected from close sources at the school (i.e. disgruntled pupils with a chip on their shoulder), she realised the full scale of the horror.
The Scum newspaper claim they have further evidence of abuse at the school being covered up, possibly with a giant statue of a rugby player Will Carling lighting his own farts. A nation holds its breath in anticipation of what horrors go on at our country's schools.
Some disgruntled locals in Buggerington have formed a vigilante group trying to find Mr Fiyalle and bring him to justice as the pathetic British Justice System™ won't. While we don't condone mob justice, we would support him being impaled on a giant skewer publicly displayed on the High Street for all would be maths teachers planning to enter their pupils to see what will happen to them unless they change their evil ways.
- Jacques Oeuf "Pupils buggered senseless by a hard maths test". Rupert Murdoch's arse, Rupertember 12, 2007