UnNews:Supreme Court Unanimously Agrees United States v. Windsor 'One of the Gayest Cases'

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
UnNews Logo Potato.png This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

4 May 2013

The Court of Appeals Circuits' cases can be shocking and electrifying.

Washington, DC -- In the landmark ruling on the amicus curiæ regarding the Defense of Homophobia Act’s constitutionality, the Supreme Court has agreed that this is ‘one of the gayest cases in American history’. In what is possibly to be a 9-0 ruling, each Justice has expressed that this case may be less straight than a dodecagonic circle or a circular dodecagon, even though that doesn’t make any sense since a dodecagon and a circle are entirely different shapes, you oxymoron!

‘United States v. Windsor is a female case, and it has a sexual attraction to other womyn’, said Justice Kennedy. ‘We've known this since it was still growing up as a lawsuit in the Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit (pictured)’.

The lawsuit was filed when Edith Windsor, who was dating a sexy Canadian chick since the 60’s, was widowed in 2009. With the death of her sexy Canadian wife, Windsor now owned her sexy Canadian corpse’s sexy New Yorkian estate, but had to pay over $3 in taxes because the federal government did not recognise her sexy marriage like the government of New York. Ms Windsor said ‘Hell, naw! I ain't payin’ dem taxes! Shiiit’.

‘What she means’, said her lawyer in a statement, ‘is that we as homosexuals do not wish to be judged. That’s why we’re in court, standing before judges. No, wait, that didn't come out right’!

The United States was represented by a lawyer appointed by the House, since Mr Obama and his attorney general, who were making out last night at a sexy party, did not want to support a law they found to be ‘soo unfabulous, and totes not glam at all’. It was argued by the United States that DOHA is not homophobic. ‘We were just trying to define the terms “marriage” and “spouse” so that the Government wouldn’t get confused and think that homosexuals deserve rights. It’s just a dictionary law, like that one law, about dictionaries’.

Nonetheless, the Supreme Court claims homosexuals are a class to be treated as if they've been discriminated against. ‘What? They’re not a class of people. I mean, sure, we didn’t let homosexuals into this country until 1990, and we didn’t let them serve in the military— but there’s a scientific reason. Remember all the stuff we made up in the 80’s about HIV being a gay virus’? Justice Roberts responded ‘No, I have a bad memory from smoking so much pot in the 60’s’.

Justice Ginsburg said she remembers the 60’s, when womyn had far fewer rights. ‘Speaking of which, what about the Equal Protection Claus, eh’?

Justice Kagen spent the remainder of the hearings making fun of Justice Breyer because he is such a geek. At this rate, the Supreme Court is expected to wait until summer to finally rule on the case.