UnNews:Studies reveal that weight-loss can be achieved with this one simple trick
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
11 December 2011
Tallahassee, Florida -- Dietitians in Florida and molecular biologists in California both discovered on Friday that weight loss in humans was as simple as one easy step. "We were shocked when we found out," says Doctor Ruben Heins. "My colleagues and I were already in the process of proving our hypothesis that the body, much like a toddler or a Labrador, is susceptible to tricks. Our basic premise was that, despite all scientific evidence pointing to the fact that the body is only privy to biological process, it can also be "fooled" into doing things that the patient in question wishes it to. We weren't focusing on weight loss at that point, but it was in our sights."
The researchers say they made a breakthrough when one test subject - an obese white male - started rapidly losing weight without exerting any real effort. Furthermore, other subjects who were not obese but rather "a little flabby" or "in need of some toning" started to see real results, today.
This contrasts with previous studies in Europe and the US alike that found weight loss can only be achieved by burning more calories than you ingest. "This is simply not true," says senior researcher Miles Lipowirtz. "The body is prone to magic, and our studies add weight to this idea. Losing weight isn't about "hard work" or "dedication" or any other liberal buzz word; all you have to do is know this one simple step that only takes a few minutes a day and still allows you to eat all the things you love. We have reached a new step in human evolution."
One sufferer of obesity who participated in the trial, whose name we cannot reveal, had this to say: "I'm so happy with my almost immediate and totally effortless weight loss. I know that I don't have to watch what I eat anymore because weight loss is so simple and stress-free - if I put it all back on, oh well, it's not exactly difficult to lose again!"
Scientists involved in the study are rumoured to be up for a Nobel Prize. "At the moment, we're just articulating our research for a Medical Journal being published next year," continues the now-esteemed scientist. "It's not everyday you get to prove that the only reason First World countries have such a high obesity rate is because they are simply unaware of this one, simple step. We're all on a high."
Surgeon General Regina Benjamin, an outspoken supporter of the archaic and conclusively disproved "eat less, exercise more" style of weight loss has yet to comment.
When asked whether this profound discovery could be applied to drug rehabilitation, depression sufferers or other similar ailments once thought to require tremendous effort to overcome, Lipowirtz replied "It's totally possible, but at the moment we've decided to focus on the much more pressing issue of weight loss. You walk down the street and see fatties everywhere, and I'm sick of it. I'd much rather see drug addicts or depressed people, just quietly." Lipowirtz ended the interview with a wink.
