UnNews:Stargate signal knocks out garage door openers
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
27 February 2007
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colorado -- Residents woke up this morning to a great mystery: their garage door openers would not work, forcing residents in the Colorado Springs area to stay in the warmth of their home out of the snow and cold conditions.
"This is ridiculous," remarked Frank Simmons, "Who in this world would want to disable our garage door openers?! I can see sending viruses hidden in my por....people's files, but this is the line!"
The report comes from numerous calls to repair shops from frustrated residents in regards to their malfunctioning garage door openers, forcing residents in and around Colorado Springs to get off of their couch and use their bikes or lawnmowers to get around. This has resulted in a major influx in the local economy, but has increased the number of frustrated phone calls to the local radio-controllers, along with an increase in the amount of people applying for welfare.
This source received a visit from one 'Samantha Carter', a governmental official representing the United States Air Force, who stated, "This was surely a mistake and had nothing to do with the events going on in Cheyenne Mountain. If these people could simply recalibrate their door openers to a frequency of 147 MHz rather than the Stargate frequency of 146 MHz, there shouldn't be any more problems. Now, I must request you sign a non-disclosure agreement, if you have a problem doing so, these men will assist you."
This editor happily obliged with two P-90s aimed at his groin.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Anonymous "From the Moon to the Stargate - Stuff the Government wants to Shoot you for Reading" 1998, January 07, 1999