UnNews:Sesame Street introduces new character
16 August 2006
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CAMEL TOE, Ireland -- Sesame Street, in response to protests that Muppet bodies were completely anatomically incorrect (most of them consisting of a bag with eyes and fur glued to them), has introduced a new character, specifically with the goal of teaching children anatomy.
Prior to the change, parents frequently complained that their children, in imitation of the show, were attempting to eat food by not swallowing, but instead going "ARR NUMM NUMM NUMM" and spitting the food all over the place, as well as always asking questions that were difficult to answer, such as why they didn't have luxurious coats of brightly colored fur, and why Jim Henson's creations were so much more fun and artistic than God's.
Abby Cadaver (pictured on the right) will be a regular feature on the long running show for children and college students who are high on marihuana; she will also be the show's first leading character without skin, and who is not alive.
With her hideous exposed musculature and skeletal remains, Abby will teach important lessons about death, muscles, bones and, in upcoming episodes, neuroanatomy and the female reproductive system.
The other residents of Sesame Street were not altogether pleased with the change.
"I don't know if this is such a good idea" said Elmo. "Elmo is scared of the creepy girl with no skin or fur. Elmo has already had fifteen nightmares, and we havn't even started shooting yet."
While some dissenting voices are inevitable, the show's main enhanced underwriter, Children's Psychotheraputic Dynamics, defends adding Abby to the cast, saying she will give the show another way to teach about science and the cruelly temporary nature of our existence.
"We're all aware that we're going to die." said Dr. Brock DeMorton, M.D., explaining his organization's position. "The sooner these kids get this into their heads, the better off we'll all be." Previous viewers of Sesame Street aren't too happy with the change, either. "My 3-year-old daughter, Jayna, is scared of anything that does not have skin"says Leona Harts, 17. "After we first saw this 'Abby Cadaver', Jayna got 22 reccuring nightmares about her."
- Anatoli Ignatzio "Muscles, Bones, Death and Learning." Random Penguin, August 16, 2006