UnNews:Serial killers dismayed at end of government shutdown
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
18 October 2013
WASHINGTON D.C. – Earlier this Thursday a coalition of American serial killers expressed a general feeling of dismay over the end of the government shutdown, which had lasted for over two weeks following an impasse in Congress. Serial killers, along with members of the mob, murderous pedophiles, and even common thugs had taken advantage of the furlough to hide bodies in unattended national parks. While national parks are normally considered risky dump spots due to the risk of run-ins with park rangers and tourists, the furlough kept both groups out of the park.
A representative of the serial killers, who identified himself to reporters only as the Gainesville Garrotter, considered the end of the fiscal stalemate a major slight. "Obviously we're neither as large nor as well-funded as other groups vying for government attention, but to have our interests so completely disregarded by congress was an unfortunate surprise. We had been very pleased with how receptive Congress had been thus far this term, and are still appreciative of their efforts to make deadly weapons more accessible and defund federal law enforcement agencies, but this really feels like a knife in the back." said Mr. the Garrotter. “Ooooh, knives, knives, knives, knives, knives..."
However while the resumption of government functions came too early for the nation's serial killers, Mr. the Garrotter was pleased with the progress that was made in the time that they had. "We moved a lot of bodies in these past few weeks, and that's always a good thing."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Michael D. Shear "Government Gets Back to Business, but Effects of the Shutdown Linger" New York Times, October 17, 2013