UnNews:Scientists discover link between Daylight Savings and Global Warming
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
13 February 2009
CAMBRIDGE, Massaschusetts - Top researchers today declared that they have made yet another breakthrough in the research of mankind's deadliest enemy, Global Warming. Scientists have determined that Daylight Savings may be a major contributor to our planet heating up, species dying out, and oceans getting all up in the grille of various coastlines. "To understand this breakthrough, one must hearken to the beginnings of daylight savings time," said Dr. John Von Coppenfeels, head researcher at Harvard's Atmospheric Speculation Lab. "Daylight Savings was first implemented in the late 18th century to extend daylight hours and conserve candle wax. The reason for this was that our founding fathers needed this candle wax, made of whale blubber, in order to build whaling ships and various other means of committing whale genocide, in order to harvest more precious whale blubber, which was used to synthesize candle wax."
It seems at first that Daylight Savings had no ill effects on the climate, and 19th century Americans enjoyed decades of joyous whale slaughter and rides in horse-drawn buggies (which were, of course, powered by whale blubber). Recently, however, evidence has come to light that may prove that daylight savings, in all its whale-related glory, may actually have tipped the atmospheric scales in the favor of global catastrophe. "It makes empirical sense," claimed Dr. Coppenfeels today in an interview with Whale Death Enthusiast. "Daylight Savings has resulted in an extra hour of daylight for half of the days each year for the last two hundred years. More daylight means more time that the sun is beating down on the surface of the Earth, heating it drastically. Though the effects have been slow to surface, we are now seeing proof that global temperature rise is a direct result of Daylight Savings Time."
This startling revelation was met with shock, fear, and general apathy by the general public. Suggestions have been made, ranging from the sensible (such as having a 'Darkness Savings Time' to counter the effect of Daylight Savings) to the even more sensible (such as having every beach resident collect one gallon of ocean water and pour it down the drain, thus reducing ocean levels). However, it seems most citizens are loathe to change their ways, especially such ingrained traditions. "I personally would not want Daylight Savings to stop over allegations such as these," stated John Q. Everyman. "More daylight results in more time available to participate in outdoor activities, more opportunites to utilize solar power, and a decrease in the frequency of vampire attacks. Furthermore, with the current economic climate, we need to be stockpiling all the whale blubber we possibly can."