UnNews:Santa Claus conquers the Martians
21 December 2009
Santa's Workshop and Interplanetary Space Station Launch Site, North Pole -- Today, Santa Claus conquered the Martians before they ever had a chance to invade Earth. The Jolly Saint Nick recently upgraded his workshop to include a state of the art 21st century technology and an Interplanetary Space Station Launch Site. He built his own star ship and expanded operations to other planets. As of this day, the first planet he has conquered is Mars.
Mars generally didn't believe in Santa Claus, as most Martians are atheists since Martian Science disproved the existence of God and Santa Claus, which upset both God and Santa Claus. God gave Santa some of his Angels and Scientists, such as Batman, to upgrade Santa's technology to deal with the green menace. One of God's Scientists, Tony Stark aka Iron Man, built the star ship using stolen designs from the Skrulls, Kree, Shi'arr, and other alien races as well as his own Stark Industries Space Shuttle and Armor designs. Santa Claus was given his own Iron Man suit of armor with Batman gizmos added to it to beat the Martians into submission. With the combined powers of Batman and Iron Man, Santa Claus touched down on the Cydonia part of Mars and waged war against the unbelieving Martians.
Using Stark/Wayne Nanotech, Santa Claus build the first few Christian Churches on Mars and started to convert Martians to Christianity and Christmas. Momar and Kimar the Martian leaders took offense to this. Mars was a peaceful planet without religion and they only wanted to invade Earth to save it from itself and fix the economy and environment. But Santa Claus wouldn't listen and fought them with his Elves and Reindeer in high tech gear.
Santa told Momar, Kimar, and other Martians, "You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you'd better not pout, I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to Mars, to kick your collective asses! This time no more Mister Nice Guy. All Martians are on the naughty list and Santa Claus don't take shit from anyone anymore."
After conquering the red planet, Santa Claus built a new workshop on the Martian north polar cap, and uses a robot assembly line to mass produce presents. Mars was converted from a Communist to Capitalist system. Christmas was made an official holiday and forced on every Martian. Following Earth, Mars collapses into a global recession following the masses being forced to buy presents for each other and take days off of work to celebrate the holidays. Meanwhile, the governments of Mars had to disband their militaries due to budget cuts from the war against the Jolly Saint Nick.
The Space Pope, in approval of all this, has authorizes Santa Claus to conquer more planets all over the Milky Way Galaxy in order to bring Christmas to all their peoples. Mars is just one small step for a jolly man, one big leap for Christianity.
- Wolf Blitzer "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians." CNN, December 21, 2009
- Jimbo Wales "Victory for Santa Claus verses Mars." Wikipedia, December 21, 2009