UnNews:Santa's saintliness challenged by Christians
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2 December 2006
THE NORTH POLE, The Arctic -- Santa Claus, a beloved icon of Christmas and role-model to children around the world, is coming under heavy gunfire from conservative America. Television show host and full-time vagina Bill O'Reilly is leading the allegations against Santa, claiming that he is no longer safe for kids and is a threat to America.
President George W. Bush plans to lead an all-out invasion on the North Pole in what the White House is calling "Operation Snowflake Freedom". He maintains that "America needs to be active in this 'War on Christmas II'." Vice-president Dick "Sharpshooter" Cheney assured this reporter that "the elves will greet us as liberators." Psycho-conservative Pat Robertson had this to say: "Santa Claus is destroying this beautiful nation that God has made for the white man. He is now appearing on bottles of alcoholic beverages, the internet, cans of Coca-Cola (which is just about as evil as the internet), and other horrific, Satanic idols that we see every day. I had my bitch-slave of a wife go to a Wal-Mart with $20 because I wanted her to buy me some milk and a few back issues of Maxim. She came back with just the magazines, since she gave the rest of the money to the Salvation Army Santa in front of the store. God I hate Santa."
An unidentified source responsible for monitoring potential terrorists entering the country stated that while it is not typically permissible to discuss ATS monitoring, "Santa is unusual in that he holds the record high score on our national terrorism assessment." Given that he routinely circumnavigates the world, alone, entering virtually any country at will, he is more likely than anyone to be a terrorist. "When you discuss the possibility of Santa committing a terrorist act," the source continued, "it really is a matter of when rather than if."
While no official action has been taken, NORAD has been ordered to keep a closer eye on Santa this year and the Department of Justice intends to elevate the terror alert level to Red on Christmas Eve.
- Jesus's messengers "The Devil Is In Your Chimney!." Enemas For Jesus Medical Society Journal, December 1, 2006
- NORAD "NORAD's Official Santa Tracking Site." Has Anyone Seen My Pants?, December 1, 2006