UnNews:Salvation Army and Chick-fil-A team up for "Feed the Hungry; Screw the Gays" campaign

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2 December 2012

It took awhile for Target to get rid of this guy.

NOT HUNGARY -- With the drawn-out election season over and the drawn-out Christmas season upon us, the Salvation Army has teamed up with fast food restaurant Chick-fil-A for a unified "Feed the Hungry; Screw the Gays" charity campaign.

The collaboration was announced Saturday on Chick-fil-A's website in a personal statement from president Dan Cathy:

Cquote1.svg We are proud to build this worldwide chicken army to declare war on famishment and faggotshmint. During this festival of the birth of Christ, we are called to think of the less fortunate, as well as snub our noses toward those whose lifestyles God doesn't appreciate. As long as there are empty bellies and incompatible naughties rubbing together, we won't stand bicuriously.[1] Cquote2.svg

As of this holiday season, ten cents of every dollar given to the Salvation Army goes to buying a chicken sandwich for the homeless, and vice versa, ten cents of every sandwich bought from Chick-fil-A goes to the Salvation Army. Meanwhile, twenty-five cents of every dollar to each organisation will go to setting up gay rehabilitation centers across the globe and other creative ways to wipe out same-sex yuckiness.

LGBT rights activists, however, are not particularly happy with this campaign. Many are silently protesting the bias against gay lifestyle by dropping tickets to The Nutcracker on Ice, featuring Mannheim Steamroller into the little red kettles. Meanwhile, Ben & Jerry's have created a lesbian Virgin Mary "Don't Need No Man" themed peppermint ice cream, with all proceeds going to the causes of gay marriage, progressive taxation and anything the ACLU will do to irritate Christians this year. In response to the negative feedback, Chick-fil-A proclaimed they weren't changing their policies, with a giant "Fa-la-la, we don't care," while the Salvation Army promised to simply "pray for (their) enemies." Ouch.

No word from the homosexual homeless community on the issue. However, we at UnNews took the liberty to ask that one homeless gay[2] down the street for his opinion. Mr. Bumsecks, as we like to call him, told us, "Who gives a shit? I'm hungry."

Who will give a shit, indeed? With the spirit of giving in the air, it just makes one want to sing out from the heart!

Musical note.png Hark! Hear the bells
Sweet silver bells
All seem to say,
"We hate the gays!
Christmas is here.
Screw all the queers!"
To young and old,
And homophobes.
Musical note.png

[edit] Footnotes

  1. The spelling of "vicariously" was later corrected with an assurance that there was no Freudian slip. Uh-huh.
  2. We assume. He wears one set of once-fashionable-but-now-discarded clothing with a holey purple cotton scarf. He's either homeless and gay or a well-off hipster.

[edit] Sources