UnNews:Rush Limbaugh accidentaly ties wrong part of brain behind back, goes into cardiac arrest

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Tuesday, June 24, 2018

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Rush Limbaugh in his hospital bed following his "incident"

PALM BEACH, Florida -- Rush Limbaugh, host of the most popular conservative talk show in the United States, is in "stable condition" after a life-threatening incident at his studio. Mr. Limbaugh was reportedly preparing for his show, during which he ties half of his brain behind his back "just to be fair" to his debate opponents, but messed up the complex process. Mr. Limbaugh was attempting to remove part of his prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for inquisition, reasoning, and problem solving, when he pulled out his brain stem. Without this crucial piece, no brain signals told his lungs to breath or his heart to beat, and he flat-lined.

"Mr. Limbaugh was in the back room preparing when his usual idiotic blabbering ceased. This is unusual here at the studio, so I went to investigate," a tech crew employee told our reporters. He found Rush on the floor, shaking and turning blue. The emergency services were promptly called, and Mr. Limbaugh was revived in an ambulance. He is now recovering. Our reporters flooded his hospital room, without consent as usual, as soon as we were notified he was awake. He says he remembers little of the accident, and was visibly confused. We left him to the hospital staff once we got all the critical front-page pictures of him we needed to satisfy our capitalist overlords.

This isn't the first incident Mr. Limbaugh has encountered during the potentially dangerous procedure he performs on himself before every debate, a procedure that has become a staple of his show. Back in 2005, Rush accidentally left part of his brain tied behind his back when he left the studio and went to get a haircut. The mistake was realized just seconds before the barber took a pair of scissors to his hair, within which was still-removed piece of brain, and the crisis was averted. Four years later, he tied too much cortex behind his back, causing him to lose an argument with Monica Lewinsky.

Due to Mr. Limbaugh's brain tying being such a staple of his show, his producers think that despite the danger, Rush will continue to tie half of his cortex behind his back before each show, but his publicist assured us that new safety practices will be in place to prevent future mishaps.

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.