UnNews:Ronald McDonald to be featured on new dollar bill
1 May 2008
WASHINGTON DC, USA -- The United States Congress has unanimously ratified a mandate to begin adding Ronald McDonald's face to special dollar bills which can only be used once in 2008. A spokesman of Congress said in a heartwarmingly tremoring voice, "This...*sniff*...will be a great way to honor...*sniff*...one of America's greatest historical heroes who...*sniff*...apart from his googol dollar business has been unappreciated in comparison to less important men such as Abraham Lincoln. And I'm not sniffing like this because I'm crying, it's just that the Big-Mac I ate last night had so many greasy onions on it that I've been reacting all day."
Contrary to most dollar bills that feature a rather bland black and white picture of some long dead, fairly uninteresting United States president, these new bills will feature bright colors, and may possibly be made of plastic. The new bill will probably say "In grease we trust" in reference to the heavenly oil that saturates most McDonald's meals.
Congress decided to change the dollar bill in a unanimous bipartisan vote. "We figured it was high time to honor a true American hero, one who is just as important, if not more, to the American people as George Washington. Possibly more. After all, when was the last time you saw a fast food restaurant named after George Washington? I'm betting it was a long time ago! All Thomas Jefferson did was write some old document...he doesn't fill my stomach with ketchupy goodness on my way home from work every day!"
Congress has also reportedly discussed bulldozing Teddy Roosevelt from Mount Rushmore to make room for a brightly painted addition: again, the face of Ronald McDonald, who many now consider "The greatest American." Other senators disagree with this, however: "Bulldoze Teddy Roosevelt? That's an OUTRAGE!" says senator and presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, "Teddy Roosevelt is the smallest one, and he's in the back! If anything, we should be bulldozing Washington! Or perhaps we could bulldoze ALL of those dull old presidents and add Mickey Mouse and Captain Crunch to the mountain!"
The current owner of the McDonald's franchise, Henry Piddlekins, has declined to comment on the situation, because he has eaten so much fast food he is no longer capable of any speech at all, aside from a kind of controlled vomiting.
A Burger King spokesman has announced that, as retaliation, we are moving our corporate headquarters and beef quarters to La Habana, so that we aren't forced to accept McDollars. The European Central Bank is considering changing the pictures on the verso of Euro coins to sport local dainties, as a means of promoting healthy traditional European food, like french fries and pizza.
- CNN "OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!" CNN, August 7, 2007