UnNews:Robert Jordan gets away with it
17 September 2007
MORDOR, Monday (UNN) — Rainforest destruction legend Robert Jordan has successfully evaded paying off the advance on what was originally a four-page satire of ridiculous fantasy clichés, The Wheel of Time.
The epic originated as a piece of semi-amusing cubemail circulating on a private mailing list for writers bored with their day jobs. "But I just kept adding and adding to it," Jordan confessed years later. "Then someone snuck it into an Eye Of Argon reading session. And the idio— I mean, tasteful and discerning consumers of science fiction and fantasy loved it! They couldn't get enough of it! Certainly more than I could be bothered with, anyway. If only I could find the Caribbean island Elvis, Jimi, Janis and Kurt are hiding out on ..."
The process of writing was reflected in the work. "You get long, stringy drips of various elements. All recycled. Then you weave them together. We thought of using a wiki, but people kept putting Pokémons in. 'My Pokemans, let me show you them.' Idjits."
Plaudits came in from fellow fantasy writers around the globe. "I always found plot and characterisation overrated," said master fantasist J.R.R. Tolkein. "They only get in the way of exploring a really interesting constructed language. The more demanding sort of reader can be so very tiresome at times."
"Bugger," said David Eddings, frantically casting his eyes about for fresh sources.
"Who are you, and where did you get this number?" said Neil Gaiman.
Readers will be over the moon to learn that Kevin J. Anderson has contracted to finish the series in a suitable manner. "I figure there's another twenty, thirty books needed to finish it properly. Lotta unanswered questions, yeah. I should have 'em done by next week."
Woolheaded shepherds the world over fold their arms beneath their breasts, tug at their braids, smooth their skirts and bow their heads today, and remember Jordan's wise words:
- Kevin J. Anderson "The Advanced Scientific Hover-Chair of Time". Asspounding Science Friction, September 17, 2007