UnNews:Renault to be investigated after Piquet, Jr. "finishes race"
3 September 2009
GENEVA, Switzerland — Shockwaves burst through the Formula One paddock as it emerged that Renault's Nelson Piquet, Jr. successfully finished a race in the 2008 season. Piquet, Jr. – who was fired by Renault halfway through the current season for insubordination, poor racecraft, and general whining – is said to have finished second in the German Grand Prix.
Due to various proclamations of deityhood towards Lewis Hamilton after his victory at the Hockenheimring, Piquet, Jr.'s finish in the Renault R28 went unnoticed by the sport's governing body, the FIA. However, after several unhinged rants by Piquet towards his former employees, the FIA was forced to launch an investigation. This search has since found that Piquet, Jr. did indeed cross the line the required 67 times to finish the race, and that his Renault, shockingly, had not strewn many pieces of itself around the German countryside.
"These are very serious allegations being levied at Renault indeed." said FIA president Max Mosley before the results of the search were known. "If we find that Nelson managed to circulate round the track the required amount of times, the consequences could be enormous. We may have to fine Renault trillions of euros. We may have to ban Piquet from the sport for life. We may even have to take [Renault F1 boss] Flavio Briatore down to the local dungeon for the night."
Commercial rights holder and known king of dwarfs Bernie Ecclestone sent out a press release, in which he stated: "This is not the sort of thing either the sport or my collection of money needs at the moment. I think it will piss off Renault for a start; them leaving the sport is a danger. Obviously I hope it isn't like that, as without Renault's entry fee, I may have to buy seven Caribbean islands instead of eight this year — but it's the sort of thing that might happen."
More evidence to support the FIA's search came to light soon after the investigation was announced. Over £5 million was bet on Piquet, Jr. to finish the race, an abnormality given that his odds to even survive the first lap were 50,000/1. Most of this has been thought to have been placed by Renault employees, which suggests a fix: the Renault team must have made the R28 idiot proof, a contravention of FIA technical rule 41563.67.111.a.i§unnecessary bit.
Briatore, for his part, hit back at Piquet, Jr. for snitching on them when questioned by media. He said with exaggerated hand movements: "The Junior bit-a his name is-a correcta! While he-a in my team, he do nothing but moan-a-moan-a-moan-a-moan! I want to-a leave him after 2008, but he-a blackmail me with-a more incriminating pictures of me. Now he gone from Renault, he moan-a-moan again! Just like a junior baby. I swear if anything a-comes of this hunt, he a-never return! I no see what he moan about anyways: he not paid to race, he paid to be [Fernando] Alonso lap-dog, like in Singapore. I guarantee it. Now where's-a my thong, it-a sunbathing time."
Piquet, Jr. was unavailable for comment; it is believed that his father, Nelson Piquet, Sr. had put him to bed as it was past seven o'clock when this story broke.
- "FIA to launch probe." Autosport, August 30th, 2009
- "Renault warned of serious consequences." Autosport, September 1st, 2009