UnNews:Pope gives up Catholicism for Lent
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
13 February 2013
VATICAN CITY -- It's the age-old rhetorical question: Is the Pope Catholic? For once the answer is a resounding 'no'.
At least not for the next six and a half weeks, as Pope Benedict XVI shocked the world today by giving up Catholicism for Lent. While it is tradition for Catholics to party for Mardi Gras and then give up their vices for the holy season of Lent, the Pope decided to shake things up by doing, ahem, vice-versa.
Speaking in front of a large crowd with an ash cross on his forehead just below his tall beer helmet mitre, Pope Benedict, now going by his birth name Joseph Ratzinger, laid out his plans to the faithful at heart:
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Dear Brothers and Sisters, I'm as old as shit. I need to enjoy some earthly pleasure before I enter those Pearly Gates. Henceforth, I will temporarily give up popeing and party hard for six glorious weeks. I prayed to God about this over the weekend and He said He was cool with it. First thing I'm going to do is meet up with Mel Gibson in Vegas. We're gonna to get shitfaced and laid by the most expensive whores the state of Nevada can provide. Then I'm going to Amsterdam to get stoned and have sexual orgies with some Raëlians. Finally, if I'm not too drained, I might drop by Spring Break in Miami and see if Carmen Electra will let me suck her tits. I'll just have to see where the wind of sin takes me. This is real. Lent Ball '13. Ain't no party this hot since 1415! *drops the mic* |
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Ratzinger then bent over away from the masses, lifted his robe up, smacked his naked buttocks and shouted, "Kiss my Ash Wednesday!" By sheer fortune, a joke that apparently worked in the original Latin.
Filling in as Substipope until Easter will be some archbishop named Dennis, who was given the keys to the Vatican, the Popemobile and the gates of Hell by Joe himself on the way out with a stern warning, "Don't scratch up my ride, dipshit."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Rachel Donadio & Elisabetta Povoledo "Pope to give up Popein'" The New York Times, February 11, 2013
- Susannah Cullinane "Pope Benedict's Lent Ball explained" CNN, February 12, 2013