UnNews:Pfizer pulls controversial antidepressant Strychnine
16 December 2006
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BALTIMORE, Maryland -- Faced with mounting criticism, Pfizer decided to pull its controversial, yet highly effective, new antidepressant: Strychnine. When asked the reason for removal, a Pfizer spokesman and noted Drug Czar Justin Gaines reported "a highly unusual amount of toxicity-related incidents occurred; approximately one hundred-thirteen out of one hundred-fifteen from the trial run became somewhat cardiologically nonresponsive."
Despite the drug's potential risk, its termination led to a large public outcry. Timmy Walterheighler, a blind quadriplegic burn-victim with no friends or personality, had this to say about the drug: "Pfizer sucks and Santa is the Antichrist. God bless Strychnine: it just took the 'sad' out of me."
The supporters of the drug were not joking: since Strychnine's introduction in late 1839, a decrease in all but poison-related suicides occurred. Most experts, scientists, and giant brain blobs have attributed this to Strychnine's "remarkable antidepressant ability." Indeed, few users of the popular drug reported any side effects or any depression-related symptoms after one or two doses.
Yet, despite Strychnine's apparent failure, Pfizer on Sunday revealed its new, earth-shattering antidepressant, which it called Smilecyanide.
- Carl Jung "Well, if they're dead, they're not depressed anymore, right?." Official Star Treck convention calendar, December 16, 2006