UnNews:People losing virginity later in life; sex is getting too hard
1 NOVEMBER 2006
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SCIENCETOWN, New Guinea -- A study carried out in 59 countries found that, contrary to popular belief, teenagers aren't getting laid all the time. The study declared that people are losing their virginities at later ages, and that scientists who conduct studies on sexual activity have penises that are roughly the size of fire hydrants, and balls the size of Nicole Richie.
Scientists are in disagreement as to what the most significant factors are in this trend, but several may be present. One factor that is being discussed is the fact that modern teenagers are ugly as sin, and are incapable of wearing clothing that fits correctly. Another factor may be the stupidity of today's youth, suggesting that the concept of "In out in out" is too complex for their delicate minds to fathom. Another possible factor is the possibility that the movie 40 Year Old Virgin has made the idea of delayed sexual activity "trendy", and all the cool kids have gone from getting handjobs in the locker room after football practice to attending "Abstinence Only" sexual education classes. Or maybe they're all just fucking liars.
The theory explaining this that has garnered the most support is the possibility that sex is just too hard nowadays. Jonathan Peters, a 16 year old student at Garden Heights High School in Virginia, said "I just can't do it right. There's so many holes, and I can't tell if the girl is serious when she says 'no', or just getting worked up in the heat of the moment." Peters requested to remain anonymous, but since he is clearly a weiner who can't get any action, we said "FUCK IT, WE'RE USING THE NAME".
Scientists concerned with the declining bonerability of the emerging generation have come up with several ideas to make coitus easier, lest we become extinct just because some morons can't use their tools without an instruction manual. Tattoos on the lower back can easily be altered or freshly done with the function of being a sex FAQ, detailing how to use which hole, depending on the individual girl's preferences. Online tutorials are becoming quite prominent on such chraritable websites as weloveboners.com and cumdumpsters.com. Clothes hangers with DIY abortion instructions are being distributed through dry cleaners throughout the country, should a beginner accidentally fertilize their partner without strapping his shit.
- "Virgins can't get any" Time Magazine, October 30, 2006
- "Where the Penis Belongs" Fencing Quarterly, January 25, 1593