UnNews:Pentagon says, No Porn in warzones
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
6 October 2010
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Studies show that sexually deprived service members are able to better focus on the task at hand, substantially increasing situational awareness, and battlefield aggressiveness. Service members are banned from participating in any and all sexual activities both alone and with any number of partners. Partner or “buddy” assisted sexual releases do occur; it is a rare occurrence (despite the military’s emphasis to only recruit the least attractive female candidates). However, self inflicted sexual releases or “masturbation” is on the rise one high ranking Pentagon official reported. To help keep service members focused on their missions the military has banned any and all pornographic materials from combat zones. So far the military has done a pretty good job of keeping pornographic materials out of combat zones despite its accessibility on the internet, and countless “care packages” from home. Websites containing pornographic material is blocked from internet networks, packages are screened, and bags are searched upon arrival into theater. Officials have recently learned that there is one source of pornographic material that has been previously neglected, allowing service members to smuggle an unlimited number of pornographic contraband onto operating bases, and even on missions with them performing contingency and combat operations. The DoD has recently been made aware of what is called M.M.L. or Masturbation Memory Lock, service members are storing pornographic images in their minds or “BRAINS” and smuggling these images into combat in order to aide in self inflicted sexual release activities, or SISRS. The Pentagon is now looking at ways to screen the minds or “BRAINS” of individual service members for MML caches. One official stated, “This is a gross violation of DoD policy, these service members are purposely smuggling these images into combat zones at the taxpayer’s expense, and the DoD is committed on putting a stop to it,” the unnamed source then went on, “If nothing is done these service members will figure out a way to smuggle drugs and alcohol in these MML’s” the Pentagon is considering removing the “BRAINS” of all service members if the problem seems to get out of control. As an interim solution, the military has deployed teams armed with otoscopes to military bases, mobilization stations, and theaters of operation in order to look into the ears of service members deploying in an attempt to see this so called brain where the MMLs are being stored. “One way or another we will beat this” our unnamed Pentagon official insisted, “There will be No Porn in warzones” he concluded.
