UnNews:Penguins Die From Too Much Intelligence

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24 July 2008

Waiting for the newspapers to fall from the sky

Antarctica -- Hundreds of penguins are disappearing from what scientists claim to be a "sensory overload" of too much intelligence. It is said to be caused from reading subscriptions of The Los Angeles Times nonstop for days.

With these fast-developing penguins, the sharpest rise in intelligence occurs within the space of 15 to 20 weeks. This accelerated rate of language acquisition happens during the second year of life.

Within the last few years, penguins have acquired fluent English and Portuguese, proficiency in C++ computer language, and professional ballroom dancing skills.

At the request of penguins, hundreds of L.A. Times subscriptions are dropped from planes and perused for entertainment. Due to their innate focus and insatiable curiosity, the inquisitive birds read for days on end. One flock of approximately one hundred penguins spent a month scanning the L.A. Times Classified Ads Section before dying of malnutrition and frostbite.

In order to halt the dwindling numbers of penguins, members of the Peace Corps donate copies of Calvin and Hobbes anthologies to these settlements while teaching them how to watch television.

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