UnNews:Park Hogs Run Rampant

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22 November 2011

A typical planet after park hog infestation. Devastated areas are represented by the white, blue and other colors.

Forest, Earth -- A subspecies of humanity has been identified by reputable news outlets today. Not content to live in mansions purchased with vast oil wealth, park hogs can be spotted in increasing numbers in forested spaces, where they exhibit flocking behavior and set up makeshift structures. Scientists around the world have failed to identify key genomes responsible for the sudden development, but have devised several conflicting theories about the phenomenon.

Famed DNA researcher Oscar Wilde took critical moments away from extinguishing the small but potentially disastrous chemical fire on his lab coat to speak with us. "Park hogs seem to have reverted to the base animal nature of trying to make a wonderful home where everybody can live in peace and harmony and be represented without conflict. They will make use of whatever is on hand to accomplish this goal but all too often at the expense of their natural surroundings. Clearly, it should be humanity's mission in life to stop the spread of park hogs before they take over the world. After that, putting out any clothes that may be on fire would also be advisable at this critical moment in these rapidly changing and dynamic times where life and death hangs in the balance of the very choices we make. As Bob Dylan once sang: aaaaaAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"

Others have expressed doubts in the discovery, implying that the overall level of park hoggery is not related to a split in the genetic makeup of the earth's citizens. "The other day I was in a park." commented a completely sensible and trustworthy person with a full beard, "I'm not really sure if that makes me a park hog or not. However, during the full moon, I always become a werewolf." Naturally, this alternative view has gained support from many other werewolves and shape-shifting creatures known to adapt to extreme circumstances.

The suspect. Note the iPod, lack of surrounding foliage and damage to the earth. Totally guilty, in case you're wondering and about to serve on the jury.

However, confirming what bonobo monkeys have known all along, ludicrously-witted biologists have identified the common iPod monkey as the source of the global 1000 mile high tsunami of park hogs by throwing darts at things. "Monkeys started all this mess for sure. Years ago they developed basic park hogging methods that led to tool use, which is the precursor to more extreme park hoggishness such as razing entire forests to the ground to make room for agriculture and massive bustling metropolises." quipped a guy nervously as he held up a piece of cardboard with 'biologigist' written on it "However, I have developed gene therapy that will reduce park hogification gradually. Approach a park hog as they are distracted foraging for nuts and berries or setting up shelter against the elements by paying the mortgage and strike them about the head with a fairly large trout."

Mostly fresh trout are on sale at Walmart.

Sources[edit]

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