UnNews:Padres’ pitcher on rampage, kills twelve
7 May 2009
SAN DIEGO, California -- As fans filed into the seats of Petco Park yesterday the 27-year-old pitcher, Jake Peavy, was warming up for another big start. Peavy’s opponents, the Arizona Diamondbacks, were in for the game of their lives. Peavy began the game by killing the first batter, Felipe Lopez. As Lopez’s blood splattered against the backstop the fans watched in horror. Soon the batboy ran out to Lopez’s limp body and applied a defibrillator. Instantly Lopez sprang back to life and walked back into the dugout. Padres fans were subjected to eleven more scenes just like this throughout the first seven innings of the game, all from the hand of Jake Peavy.
When asked to comment Arizona hitting coach, Rick Schu, said “This is a lot along the lines of what we were expecting from Peavy. We spent a lot of the week beforehand killing our own batters and bringing them back to life, just so they’d be used to it by the time the game came along.” The only Diamondback player that survived wholly intact was center fielder Eric Byrnes. Byrnes, who refused to comment, didn’t get a hit all game despite being alive for the entire game.
“What I’m most surprised about,” stated Peavy after the game, “is the fact that, even with all the killings, I still got the loss.” This fact was quite confusing indeed as the Diamondbacks, despite their practice, made four errors with the defibrillator and thus lost four men during the game. “These losses are unacceptable, we must be able to handle even the most gruesome death,” commented Arizona manager Bob Melvin. With the loss the Padres moved down to eight and a half games out of first place while Arizona moved up to thirty-seven and a half games out.
In the seventh inning the Diamondbacks begged to have Peavy taken out of the game for the sake of their players. The Padres reluctantly agreed and regretted it immediately as their next two pitchers spilled no Diamondback blood letting them recuperate and win the game. The Diamondbacks themselves killed only three Padres in total the third being the final out of the game.
Despite the obvious playful and competitive nature of these killings, this reporter feels that this violent event will no doubt be blamed on video games by the public.
- Beodog Transfamadorian "Mafia tried to coax Padres pitcher with salaryt, perks" Satanic Times, May 7th, 2009