UnNews:Obama admits to eavesdropping addiction

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 October 2013

Obama signaling his delight to his aides after successfully bugging Angela Merkel and stealing her apple strudel recipe.

The President of the United States, Barack Obama, has publicly admitted that he has a "problem of an addictive nature" regarding eavesdropping.

The confession comes after damaging reports revealing that French and German heads of state Francois Hollande and Angela Merkel have both been bugged by Washington.

The POTUS listening in to a riveting conversation in broken English between Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy and his Belgian counterpart Elio Di Rupo.

"I have a problem; it's a form of addiction; it's something that I need to work on," Obama told a packed press conference. "Ever since my first meeting with the NSA guys, I have had a real hard time ignoring the possibility of reading people's emails, listening to their phone calls - even watching them have cyber sex on MSN."

Obama went on to reveal that the addiction had since grown. "Pretty soon, listening via a pair of headphones wasn't enough. I found myself down on my hands and knees, outside the White House kitchen door, desperate to hear the Phillipine workers gossiping among themselves. Did you know Jocelyn is pregnant and she doesn't know if it's Marvin's or Rommel's?"

The President struggling to understand François Hollande's French foreplay talk.

Washington two-cents-worther Joanna Corey told UnNews, "It's ironic that a President once hailed for his speaking skills might ultimately be remembered for his addiction to listening, but we have to bear in mind that Obama comes from a very gossipy culture. As President of the United States, he's been completely cut off from the natural home of black man's gossip - the barber shop. It's only natural that he has spent tax-payers' money bugging the offices of foreign allies."

Regarding this final point, the President issued a personal apology to both Hollande and Merkel. "I offer my unreserved apologies to these two fine leaders. We had no right to bug their offices. And I don't expect them to forgive me straightaway - I know they're upset with me, I heard them talking about me last night."