UnNews:OUCH quarterback kicked off of team for forgetting to cut bear's nuts off
3 August 2006
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Norman Bates, Oklahoma, US -- Oklahoma University College of Hunting (a sprawling mega-university formed by the fusion of Oklahoma University, Hunter College, and Hamburger University in 1956) quarterback Rhett Bummer has been unceremoniously booted from the school's football team, the Sooners, in response to failing field dressing 101 for the third time in a row.
"I know these football players aren't exactly a Theodore Roosevelt or a Lord Robert Baden-Powell, but I do expect them to at least remember to remove the testicles and genitalia from the carcass of a freshly killed bear." said an instructor who requested to remain anonymous. "I mean, come on."
In a particularly tragic twist, due to Bummer's sloppy field dressing, the meat of the bear was rejected by the university's cruel, unforgiving god, even though the elaborate victory ritual was performed to absolute perfection, with all of the bear's major organs impaled upon the seven silver spokes of the Altar of Ages, and its intestines entwined in complicated spaghetti knots around the golden knobs of Knagh-U'Ruh, all while 1,800 virgins sang praises to Him in the form of Whitesnake ballads and a nerd was publicly deflowered.
It remains to be seen whether the unspeakable being of unimaginable horror that lives underneath the university's hallowed halls will ever be satisfied again, but hopes run high on campus. "Now that Bummer's gone, maybe the next guy will learn from his idiotic example, and cut the damn bear's fucking nuts off. That's what makes America great, killing animals for our evil lord" commented a senior on his way to Advanced Silent Kill 700.
- Lance Armstrong "QB Blows It If a bear is disembowelded in the woods, does anyone hear it?" No balls, no babies press, August 3, 2006