UnNews:News Outlawed

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

22 August 2006

I don't know about you, but these things scare the shit out of me.

UNION OF SOVIET SOCIALIST TELETUBBIES - The United Nations Security Council has accepted a resolution deposed by the representative of the Union of Soviet Socialist Teletubbies at the UN, Tinky Winky.

In a highly emotional speech, Tinky Winky has proven that news is dangerous by using this powerful statement: "In Soviet Teletubbieland, newspaper recycles you!" This convinced the international community to ban all news.

However, human experts in matters of tubby politics claim that it's a scam made by the Communist Party of Teletubbieland in order to keep the population in the dark and keep its plans towards world domination secret.

The Christian-Right is courting Jingbah, Chairman of the Peoples Republic of Boobahs, in an effort to stem the tide of the Red Teletubbie Menace.

Anonymous sources in the Kremlin are reported to have said that this is the best thing to happen to Russia since its puppet dictator, Teletubbie Po (you guessed it, it's the red one) seized power over Teletubbie land with his mighty Red Army (G.I Joe figurines who were accidentally painted red at their fabrication plant, and who now turned against capitalist toy-makers).

The news that news no longer should be in the news rendered news companies bankrupt and made oil prices go through the roof (oil companies were searching for something in the news that would give a reason to boost prices, there is no need for that anymore since there isn't anymore news).

In the official statement by Teletubbieland, Chairman Po declared, "Eh Oh"!, whilst foreign secretary Dipsy seemed to enjoy his polka-dotted hat. Army Chief of Staff LaLa was unavailable for comment.

This was the last piece of news to be edited, despite the interdiction. Oh no, peace keepers are surrounding me; People of the World, stand up to the Teletubbies: Remember, Teletubbie land isn't a worker's paradise! There aren't even workers in Teletubbieland!

Sources

• Louis Armstrong "Communism re-rears its ugly head!" Satchmo Press, August 21, 2006