UnNews:Narrow-minded Blu-ray players refuse to play "overrated" Avatar
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
3 May 2010
UNITED STATES, North America -- Consumers who recently bought the new Blu-ray of the James Cameron mega-blockbuster Avatar have complained that their Blu-ray players refuse to play the disc.
"Ah thought ah was gun' see the dang film with them fancy black bahs, but all ah got was an erruh message," says Cletus Jethro of Hicktown, Tennessee. "Mah wahf slash sistah stahted all yellin' at me 'n' stuff. It ain't raght!"
Jamal Black of Harlem chimed in with, "All a brother wanted to do was watch some Avatar on Blu-ray, and I get this shit! What kind of muthafucka would do somethin' like this, man?"
These complaints have been flooding the inboxes of retailers as well as distributor 20th Century Fox, but neither is the source of the problem. The real problem lies in Blu-ray players manufactered by Sherman Company, LLC and its founder, film critic Jay Sherman, host of TV's Coming Attractions. His players are programmed to automatically refuse any disc of a film he deems unworthy.
"I'm doing this for your protection," says Sherman. "That Avatar was such overrated shit, like any other Hollywood film of the past several years. Why can't we go back to the golden age of classics and foreign-language films? We need another Citizen Kane, The Red Balloon, or Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."
Now when one plays the disc, the player will give you an error message to the tune of:
This Blu-ray Disc cannot be played because the
"film" is overrated shite. James Cameron makes
nothing but mindless sci-fi popcorn fare and God
only knows how this hack makes any money.
Please insert Citizen Kane, The Godfather, or another (real) film.
Avatar is certainly not the only film affected. Other titles include:
- All Star Trek, Star Wars, and science fiction titles
- Any Halloween movie that isn't the 1978 original
- Most every slasher film
- Anything with Paris Hilton
- Anything directed by Uwe Boll
- Troll 2
- Basic Instinct 2
- Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
- All Michael Moore documentaries
- Titanic
- The Dark Knight
And that's just scratching the surface.
Consumers have been trading in their Blu-rays for ones made by competitors. "This bastard makes Sony look like a bunch of saints," says President Obama. "We cannot let film enthusiasts be scarred by this film-snubbing maniac who hasn't liked a film since Reagan took office. Take my advice and buy yourselves a nice Vizio Blu-ray player, my treat."
Coincidentally, on Saturday, Sherman Company, LLC filed for bankruptcy; no reason was given.
The DVD and Blu-ray, released Thursday, April 22 (Earth Day), are in 2-D, but Cameron and Fox expect to release the 3-D discs next year. This writer is unsure whether or not he can wait that long for the 3-D Blu-ray.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Clint O'Connor "Blu-ray REALLY hates Avatar" Cleveland.com, April 30, 2010