UnNews:NASA boldly goes where no kiddy ride has gone before
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
28 May 2007
CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida: Following in the footsteps of Answers in Genesis's spanking new Museum of Creation Science, NASA proudly launched its multi-billion dollar futuristic Theme Park of Yesterday, featuring an ultra-realistic simulated Space Shuttle™ ride. The gala opening was attended yesterday morning by the venerable John Young (the last living pilot of the historic Shuttle Columbia) and dozens of children and wide-eyed reporters.
Using the latest in state-of-the-art animatronic technology, the Shuttle Simulator is said to look uncannily like the innards of a real space shuttle, complete with animatronic seats, animatronic display panels and an animatronic robotic arm. The device is fully programmed to mimic an actual space shuttle mission by including exciting onboard experiment platforms (with animatronic salamander eggs), and massive delays on a mock launchpad due to simulated inclement weather.
Before christening the new amusement ride for the enjoyment and inspiration of scientifically-jaded Americans everywhere, NASA coordinator Mike Griffin took a tear-filled several hours to pay tribute to those wild and woolly days of yore when manned missions into deep space used to fly with some semblance of regularity. He also took advantage of the opportunity to chastise the public at large for falling victim to the lies of what he called "godless conspiracists" regarding those mythical stories which our parents told us of alleged lunar landings by our remote ancestors.
"This is a great time for NASA and other Americans everywhere", droned Administrator Griffin, "and we count ourselves extremely fortunate that continual massive Federal budget cuts in basic space and/or science research programs has partly freed up Federal funding for the building of this our multi-million dollar state-of-the-art Shuttle Simulator Ride. And remember," jested Griffin, "you have to be This Tall to Ride", prompting barely audible chucklings of bemused amusement from the large crowd. "No, really, I'm serious, dammit" Griffin quickly and angrily added while pointing directly at a large overlooked danger sign looming over his shoulder.
The venerable and visibly aged John Young, after being declared Honorary Commander of the Shuttle Simulator's maiden simulated flight, was packed into the contraption along with dozens of children and wide-eyed reporters. In spite of a brief struggle punctuated with a few bloodcurdling screams of "You ain't strapping ME in one of them death traps again!!!", the former "astronaut" (as they used to call them back then) finally fell asleep in the simulated cockpit in response to the Simulator's gentle rocking motions.
Little wide-eyed 8-year-old Billiam "Willy" Krammer Junior of Indianapolis Indiana was clearly the most enthusiastic of all the crowd. Clutching his combination Gameboy/iPod tightly in front of his face, he was heard to mumble "Yeah... whatever" at least twice during the exciting Shuttle Ride. Afterwards, when Griffin dragged young Billiam in front of the cameras and asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, the little tyke declined to comment and simply waved a cheery middle finger. Aren't they cute at that age?
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "3... 2... 1... Blastoff to the Past!" MSNBC, May 25, 2006
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