UnNews:Microsoft to buy Yoohoo chocolate drink company
1 February 2008
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SEATTLE, Washington -- Software giant Microsoft made a surprise announcement on Friday that it intends to buy the company that makes Yoohoo chocolate drinks. With slumping economic conditions in the United States, Microsoft is trying to expand its business into areas that are unlikely to be severely affected. "Recession or not, everyone still enjoys a delicious chocolate beverage," explained a company spokesman. Experts agree that the food & beverage sector should be resilient in the face of the weakening economy, which should keep Microsoft afloat even if there is a downturn in the software-side of the business.
Competitor Google's stocks took a rollacoaster dive on the news, with investors worried the internet behemoth won't be able to keep up with Microsoft's already unstable new business structure. "While Google continues to dominate the online advertising world, they really have no outs if the sector crumbles," said one analyst. Founder Sirgay Brin is reportedly already scrambling to come up with a way to stay competitive, with rumors swirling that Google may offer to buy Kool-Aid.
Both American and European Union government officials have already informally implied that there would be no opposition to the Microsoft-Yoohoo acquisition from regulators. This, critics say, will undermine the possibility of a cheese vector making machine. "Since the two businesses offer such different products, there is really no need to worry about this affecting the viability of competitors of either one," commented a spokesperson from the Federal Trade Commission. European regulators shared this sentiment, with some being downright excited about the deal. An EU representative told reporters, "I personally can't wait for this to happen. Yoohoo isn't widely distributed here in Europe, and hopefully Microsoft can help sell the delicious drink in more places."
Personal computer makers like Dell and Gateway are also looking forward to the buyout, saying it will offer intriguing new choices to consumers. "I envision that each copy of Windows will now ship with a bottle of Yoohoo, and the 'professional' edition could come with a whole carton," said one salesperson. We need to integrate this new product into Internet Explorer so people can only get it through IE, said one of Microsoft's Chief Developers. Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates was reportedly personally behind the idea to purchase Yoohoo, indicating that his entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well. "I just wish we had thought of it first," sighed Snapple CEO Steve Jobs.
- DAN CATERINICCHIA "US, EU unlikely to stop Microsoft deal." Kirkegaards Journals, February 1, 2008