UnNews:Microsoft pays people not to edit Wikipedia

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

24 January 2007

Crushed by the wheels of Wikiality! Whoo! Whoo!

BORG CUBE, Redmond, Monday — Reports broke across blogs, wiki talk pages, MSDN's pseudo-Usenet interface and other such impeccable sources yesterday of an astounding new move from Microsoft Public Relations: paying people not to edit Wikipedia.

WikiFiddler451 (real name WikiViolin451) was previously a valued Wikipedia contributor, with 23,547 edits to his name, mainly in the areas of Pokémon and naked pornstar wrestling. "I was a little surprised. Apparently it's undermining Encarta. I wasn't sure at first, but decided to accept — edit wars were getting on my nerves, I was on the verge of burning out ... taking Microsoft's shiny dollar for stopping was just a bonus. In fact, I had twice already quit Wikipedia forever after the ArbCom cut my balls off in August and again in November for adding naked pictures of Ashlee Simpson to my userpage, so I just had to get back out of the groove."

WikiViolin451 is pleased that his newfound income has enabled him to move out of his parents' basement. "Not editing Wikipedia is my first real job." As from December, WikiViolin451 has been living in his own mansion in Los Angeles' trendy Beverly Hills neighbourhood. "My Pokémon collection is amazing."

Microsoft were quick to get in touch with UnNews after every blogger in the world had called them a pack of assholes yet again, and reveal their next move, buying Verisign and redirecting wikipedia.org traffic to Encarta. "Encarta is merely embracing and extending Wikipedia," said spokesperson Ami Losenger, 12, before returning to her homework. "This enfeaturement will dramatically improve the user experience, boosting multimedia applications in a family-friendly manner, and speeding up your games and business transactions on the Information Superhighway with added wikiality. And stunt the growth of your cock," she was heard to add under her breath, not realising her Windows Vista speech to text software had failed to shut down and was eagerly logging her every thought. "Anyway, IBM made us do it. Blame them! Them!!"

Wikipedia spokespainter Gerard David said, "Paying people to not edit Wikipedia is an obvious conflict of interest. We will unban anyone found not editing Wikipedia for financial motivations from editing Wikipedia. I mean, to editing Wikipedia. In Soviet Wikipedia, job finds YOU. And in conclusion, give us money." He continued, "Dear God, please, won't you people let me get some SLEEP?" six hours later.

Office workers around the world wondered how on Earth to fill the yawning void between nine and five. "What the hell did I do at work all day without wikis to edit? What the hell did people do at work all day before the Internet?"

Sources

• Doug Mahugh "Hey, what happens if I do this?" O RLY? NTWK!, January 22, 2007

• Everyone "Oh, no. You didn't. Please tell me you didn't" The entire media, January 23, 2007