UnNews:Mick Jagger dragged away by wild horses

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Friday, July 31, 2015

While the Stones' policy of not allowing anyone's waistline to go above 28 inches has been great for the rock n roll look, it is thought to have made Jagger particularly susceptible to a horse dragging.

Wild horses have dragged Rolling Stones lead singer Mick Jagger away, it has been confirmed.

The 72-year-old rocker had been speaking to his youngest child, Petunia, at his ranch in Kentucky, when he seemingly got entangled with local wild horses, and was dragged away.

Petunia told UnNews: "He was speaking to me in a strong Southern accent, which is weird, because he is from Kent.

"He kept saying these cryptic things, like 'childhood living, it's easy to do', which I thought was a bit patronising, considering he abandoned me as a baby. Then he said 'the things you wanted, I bought them for you'. I was just about to say that what I really wanted was a father who was present in my life and affectionate, but then the horses came and dragged him away.

"Ironically, he had just been suggesting that that very thing was not possible."

According to locals, Jagger made the classic mistake of underestimating the dragging-power of wild horses, especially common after the famous Susan Boyle case, in which a wild horse broke its back.

"People often say ' wild horses couldn't drag me away'," said local sheriff Waylin O'Neil, "But it's very likely that those people have never been in a tug of war with one.

"Wild horses are surprisingly good at dragging people."

Jagger's 9st (126lb, 57kg) body was certainly no match for the local stallions. Experts believe that he could have been dragged to Mexico by now, or that his stick thin body may have simply "disintegrated like a matchstick man" after being dragged along so much terrain.

Jagger's partner in crime, Keith Richards, released the following statement: "Ah man, you know, I know Mick, you know, and he would not have wanted to go out like this. I think Mick is the type of cat who would have liked to die in the middle of a harem surrounded by dusky beauties in, I don't know, in Morocco, or possibly Bradford.

"But you can't always get what you want."

Sources[edit]

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