15 November 2008
NICE, France-- A recent meeting between French President Nicolas Sarkozy and Russian President Dmitri Medvedev ended abruptly when it was discovered Medvedev had several long, wiry strings rising up from his arms into the rafters, where a shadowy figure was seen holding two wooden crosses attached to the strings. However, the Russian government has been characteristically cryptic when confronted with this evidence, saying "this incident almost certainly didn't happen" and that "[we] should back off this story if [we] know what's good for us."
This is only the latest in a series of erratic behaviors demonstrated by Medvedev, who earlier this month was seen with former Russian President Vladimir Putin's hand up his back. Medvedev has been criticized for his "waxy" appearance and the two large slits seen running from his mouth down to his chin.
The strings were discovered when one of the wooden crosses clattered from the rafters to the ground, followed by a muffled curse emanating from high above the conference room. Suddenly, witnesses reported, Medvedev seemed to slump over in one direction, with one eye closed and half his mouth settling into a frown. "I was, needless to say, as surprised as anyone when this happened," said Sarkozy. "Our peace talks were going fairly well, although [Medvedev] did seem to have difficulty drinking his water. He kept spilling it all over himself." Russian officials apologized for the occurrence and then removed the unmoving President out of the room in a wheelchair.
Medvedev has yet to make a statement about yesterday, although one spokesman enigmatically said he was going "under repairs." Meanwhile, Putin has been denying any involvement with the incident, providing an airtight alibi. "I was wrestling a lion," Putin said in an interview with the Russian newspaper Pravda. "I ripped the lion's heart out, then fed it to the still-alive lion."
United States officials say that their relations with Russia will not be affected by the discovery. "I greatly admire Dmitri Medvedev, and do not think strings make him any less of a man," said outgoing US President George W. Bush. Then, Bush left the room in a mechanical walk, followed closely by a remote-control wielding Dick Cheney.
- James Fenimore "Missile talks end when Medvedev stops moving." AP, November 15, 2008