UnNews:Man forced to watch Big Brother by wife says "well thats an hour of my life I won't be getting back" before turning over to watch Newsnight

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5 June 2009

"WHY!?"

A NORFOLK MAN FORCED TO SIT THROUGH the opening night of Big Brother by his mad wife lamented painfully on an hour and a half wasted from his life this morning. Hollow eyed John Kockrott reflected, " I have spent most of last evening watching a procession of grasping, shallow nobodies enter that f*cking house whilst a crowd of inane placard waving vacuous sheep cheered and boo'd randomly. An hour in to the show I genuinely lost the will to breath."

"When the prancing lesbian man came on I had to check my pulse to check I wasn't dead."

Mr Kockrott agreed to watch Big Brother with his wife after she hinted that she might give him felatio in return but by the end of the show he stated that "I had lost all feeling from the eyes down so the prospect of a good end to the night had receded somewhat."

Luckily, after turning over to Newsnight Mr Kockrott managed to regain the power of speech and coherent thought, "I would like to thank Jeremy Paxman personally for saving my sanity", he said.

Mrs Kockrott, however, loved the show: "isn't it such fresh and vibrant format?", she said, " seeing all these fantastic and diverse characters enter the house has filled me with great anticipation for the next four months of constant viewing."

Tragically it later emerged that John Kockrott had thrown himself under a lorry a short time after the interview.

Sources

• MWAHHAHAHAHAHA ""I'M COMING TO GET YOU!"" YOU HAVE TWENTY THOUSAND YEARS TO LEAVE ...., June 05, 2009