UnNews:Mad scientist board releases ultimatum
18 January 2007
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MOSCOW, former USSR - In a shocking turn of events, the Board of Mad Belligerent Scientists (BOMBS) has reemerged with a deadline two years from now, in 2009, to accomplish a list of tasks set down by the board or face complete annihilation. Far worse than a docile target for Russian reversal jokes, the board appears to be a serious threat to the world and its capricious consumerist empires.
The head of the board, a crazed nuclear scientist by the name of Dr. Doom, released the list via a videotape that he is believed to have filmed in a secure site somewhere in Russia. Dr. Doom also revealed what appeared to be a suitcase nuke, stating in the video, "If you do not meet our terms by midnight on January 18, 2009, we will kill this lab rat. Also, our operatives will detonate nuclear warheads all over the world, snuffing out humanity."
Dr. Doom cited belligerent foreign policy and "[our] foolhardy military ambitions" as ranking among the reasons for the ease in obtaining the suitcase nukes. The board had emerged two months ago under slightly different circumstances. Possessing no weapon of any kind, the board was laughed off the world stage and not taken seriously.
The list of demands placed on the world includes responsible world government, a 40% reduction in the average kg/capita air pollution emissions, phasing out of disposable electronics, and the complete eradication of world poverty. Statesmen in Canada and the US balked at these demands. President Johnson said in a press release, "We cannot negotiate with nuclear scientists. We will not do the megalomaniacal bidding of an insane bunch of Ruskie blowhards. Surrender would deal an enormous blow to this nation's economy. Giving up our stretch limousines runs counter to American values."
The American election, which comes just before the deadline, is expected to be instrumental in deciding whether the world will rise to the board's challenge. One candidate has run on the platform of surrendering to the terrorists, while the other will campaign on the promise of 'nuking those bastards first.'
American analysts have described the board as "insane" and "misanthropic." "We could cure cancer in puppy dogs and they'd still nuke us," said one.
However, military intelligence personnel are not worrying. Said Sergeant Micron, "Scientists still don't agree on whether there's a weapon under that white cloth. The science of nuclear warning is in its infancy, and present studies are highly suspect. Anyhow, our intelligence indicates a bunch of mad geniuses, a former death-ray contractor, and a man with stolen superpowers could not possibly pose a threat to our safety."
The opposing view is held by our doomsday scenario correspondent Jack Bauer, who told us from a payphone, "The president is wrong. They will detonate those nukes unless we give in to their demands. Right now, it's our only option." He later added, "We don't have a lot of time."
- Will Dumbhim "Doomsday Clock edges toward midnight" The Boston Globe, Jan. 18, 2007