UnNews:MLB introduces 'Bat Crime Day'
26 June 2011
NEW YORK, New York -- Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig was proud to announce professional baseball's first ever Bat Crime Day, a day honoring the sport's inspiration and equipment contribution to America's countless felonies and misdemeanors.
"I have often said, baseball is a social institution with really important social ties and responsibilities. The civil rights weekend, Jackie Robinson day, and Hug a Mexican day are great examples of how novelty baseball themes have had a positive effect on the community. And now, I'm glad to finally unite two of America's favorite pastimes; baseball and breaking the law," said Bud Selig.
Baseball equipment, most notably bats and giant novelty foam hands, have been utilized to assist criminals in assaults, robberies, and letter box vandalism for over a century now. According to recent crime statistics, baseball bats have overtaken knives and broken pool cues on their way to becoming the second most popular weapon used in assaults behind stilettos. The New York Muggers Association has also listed the baseball bat as their bludgeoning weapon of choice due to its legal legitimacy and traditional place in criminal culture.
A special game has been added to the Major League schedule and dubbed the "Bat Crime Classic." It will feature the Detroit Tigers and the Philadelphia Phillies; two of the country's most notorious regions for bat related muggings, robberies, and acts of sodomy. Every child under the age of fourteen will receive a free team crowbar and a balaclava to wear during the game, which will be the first night game in history to be played under the cover of darkness.
When quizzed about the benefits of cramming another novelty game into an already packed MLB game schedule, Bud responded somewhat cryptically by shouting "I'll pack your schedule punk!"
In addition to the Bat Crime Classic, a special gala function will be held to commemorate baseball's most popular convicted criminals, with inductees into the "Hall of Infamy" to include hardened law breakers such as Darryl Strawberry, Ugueth Urbina, Ty Cobb, Dwight Gooden, Denny McLain, Pete Rose, and the Phillie Phanatic. A special tribute will also be held for legendary crook, "Shoeless" Joe Jackson, who, in contrast to his name, was caught in possession with several pairs of old timey footwear he mugged off various cobblers.
- Mark Newman "Themed days coming to All-Star Fanfest to avoid mass slumber" MLB.com, June 23, 2011
- Linda Loyd "Raising The Penalties On Baseball-bat Crime Increasingly, The Bat Is Used As A Bludgeon. A Move Is Afoot To Make Prison Terms Result." Philly.com, September 23, 1992