UnNews:Linux: Every time you use EXT3, Hans Reiser kills again
14 October 2006
Every time you use EXT3, Hans Reiser kill -9s again, Oakland police declared Thursday. Though he is of course innocent until and only if proven guilty.
In a probable cause statement submitted at Reiser's arraignment on the 12th October, police detailed how Reiser's car was found freshly repainted bright red. Inside the car were black trash bags, maps, super-absorbent nappies, masking tape and two recently-purchased textbooks on how kernel detectives trace abnormal process termination.
Police even allege child processes could have heard the filesystem being sent a signal 9.
Novell has declared ReiserFS "tasteless" and replaced it with FAT32. Slashdot readers are, understandably, much more concerned with future support for ReiserFS in Linux than with such trivial matters as murdered women.
The Oakland police department received a phone call on February 9, 2007 from Hans Reiser's uncle, My Arse, who reported that Hans had died that same morning. An officer speaking on condition of anonymity reported the date of death on Wikipedia , citing Reiser's uncle as a totally factual reference. An overzealous WikiNazi quickly reverted the change without so much as a Google search, which would have instantly revealed the Arse-Reiser connection. When asked to comment on the fiasco, Arse responded: "This is exactly the type of sloppy joe journalism that gives Wikipedia its atrocious reputation in academic circles."
Should ReiserFS be removed from Linux?
Eric S. Raymond: "It's bad public relations to have a murderous file system in the kernel. Though he is of course innocent until and only if proven guilty. We should replace it with iPodFS or the modern youth, with their Game Boy 360s and Grand Theft Zunes, won't bother with our tribe's finest POSIX-compliant work. Besides, my VA Software IPO money ran out.
Richard M. Stallman: "The Free Software Foundation's position on ReiserFS is that a GPLed file system is for the good of the user community and encourages others to licence superior file systems suitably. There are those who considered a file system built from a sordid tale of blood, adultery and financial misappropriation should have the 'taint' flag set, but for some reason they changed their minds when I offered to explain our position in song. Против."
Linus Torvalds: "My name is Linus Torvalds, and I pronounce "ReiserFS" as 'unsupported.' Против."
Steve Ballmer: "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear your question over my own cackling glee at Linux developers being arrested for murder. Против."
Simon Cowell: "That was terrible, I mean just awful. The end of the animal trade would leave more time to trap or beat to death kernel star wannabes.
The votes are in!
And Hans Reiser makes it through to the next level of FILESYSTEM IDOL! To be screened November 28th, 9am, at Alameda County Superior Court!
- Sgt. Ray Ozzie "Murderous Commie Pirate Open-Source Developers! Developers! Developers!." Oakland Police Gazette, October 12, 2006