UnNews:Liberal Dems will throw more girly strops vows Clegg
12 May 2011
In a speech to mark today's first anniversary of the coalition, the Deputy Prime Minister insisted he was "absolutely right" to join forces with the Tories as otherwise his party would have got bored with doing nothing much around the house.
But he insisted that after the "you smell of AIDs" they got from voters in last week's elections, it was time for the party throw their toys out of the pram and become more "pissy" with their coalition partners.
"You will see a lot more slamming of doors and use of the word 'whatever' from us within the government," he said. "I like to think of it as 'tetchy liberalism'".
"I have already drawn a chalk line around my area of the cabinet table and he [Cameron] is not allowed to use it or put his hand in it or put any of his stuff in it. It's mine."
The country's first coalition since World War II is under strain after more than two-thirds of voters in Thursday's referendum rejected a proposal to adopt the Alternative Vote, a system which would have seen everyone forced to vote for everyone, 1-10 times depending on the sum of all dice thrown; a system which Clegg had heavily backed.
He went on to put some of the blame for the Lib Dems setbacks in Scotland and upper-England in last week's elections on the fact that the Lib Dem's yellow branding was too sunny and cheerful for dour northerners. The Rt. Hon. Deputy Prime Minister and Wet Somewhat Disgusting Moss Covered Stick in Waiting to Her Majesty the Queen Mr. Clegg went on the say that the Scottish Liberal Democratic Party would be changing from yellow to dark grey with even darker grey borders. The Welsh Liberal Democratic Party will meet with the entire membership in Daffid Marrssz's living room in Cardiff to vote on new colours and textures, new styles for the summer, and how to look less girly than Mr. Clegg. The English Liberal Democrats will not meet or vote, but will simply do blindly whatever Lord Ashdown says in the hopes that he will come back, slay the dark Clegg with his sword of victory, and thus ensure that in the next election the Lib Dems will win at least 4 seats.
Members of Liberal Democratic parties from across the United Kingdom are also planning on demanding that the torrid sexual affair between Mr. Clegg and an as yet unidentified "Dave From Whitney"(see picture above of Mr. Clegg with his secret lover taken clandestinely at a local bar) end forthwith. While not seen as scandalous in the Commons, since it involved neither expenses, a Corgi or a member of the Royal Family, it is seen as embarrassing. "Have you ever seen those blokes in the buff with each other at that hour?" asks a Commons member who asked to remain anonymous. "Its pretty unnerving when Clegg screams out 'do me you Prime Bucking Bronco you'" loudly enough to be heard in the Commons Bar by its usual 5:00am crowd. Mr. Clegg and "Dave from Whitney" have also been seen naked in the Commons gallery several times early in the morning, as well as on the Mall and the front yard of Buckingham Palace. According to Scotland Yard and the Commons Press Office, "Dave from Whitney" has yet to be identified.
- Andrew Woodcock "Lib Dems must be assertive, says Nick Clegg." Independent, May 11, 2011
- Danny Kemp "Deputy PM Clegg vows 'louder voice' in coalition." AFP, May 4, 2011