UnNews:Large Hadron Collider opens wormhole to Mirror Universe
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
15 September 2008
GENEVA, Switzerland -- Scientists at CERN revealed today that the Large Hardon Collider accidentally created a wormhole to a Mirror Universe.
"This was completely unexpected," one of the scientists stated, "There was some speculation that the LHC might unravel the fabric of space-time and destroy the Universe, but most of us felt certain that the destruction would be more localized, most likely limited to our Solar System or possibly just the Earth itself. No one anticipated that it would open a portal to a bizarre parallel dimension... This has totally screwed up the office pool."
"I suppose it's still possible that the wormhole will collapse into a singularity," he added, "but I'm not holding my breath. I'm pretty sure I'm just out €10."
Scientists from the Mirror Universe, who are assisting our scientists in trying to shut down the LHC, are denying rumors that their Universe is some kind of 'evil' alternate reality to our own.
"It's hardly fair to label our Universe as 'evil'," said one of the Mirror Universe scientists, during the joint press conference held this morning, "There are difference, of course. For example, in our Universe Betamax became the videotape standard, instead of VHS... Of course, that doesn't really matter any more, since HD-DVD has made tapes obsolete anyway. Furthermore," he added, "in our universe, Uncyclopedia is a load of fabricated nonsense, while it is Wikipedia which is a serious encyclopedic endeavor."
Protesters outside of CERN have already added 'Invasion from Mirror Universe' to the long list of dangers they believe the LHC poses. "You have to keep a close watch on these scientist types," warned one protester, "One minute they're opening up gateways to other dimensions, and the next thing you know they're doing something really dangerous like bouncing Wonderflonium."
Both sets of scientists insist that the LHC is perfectly safe, or at least as safe as a 27 kilometer super-collider capable of punching a hole in reality can be.
"Everyone can rest assured that we're all working together to shut down the LHC, as soon as possible," the Mirror Universe scientist stated "even though the wormhole is absolutely stable and poses no danger whatsoever."
"Besides," he added, "I want to get back to my Universe in time to see Gigli 2 on opening night."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Scientists insist Large Hardon Collider probably won't destroy the Universe" TimesOnline, 6 September, 2008
- "Has the Large Hardon Collider destroyed the Earth yet?" hasthelhcdestroyedtheearth.com, 12 September, 2008
- "LHC Compact Muon Solenoid Experiment Webcams" Cyriak, 15 September, 2008