UnNews:Kids at risk from new street drug, Quatch

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

24 March 2010

A commonly reported hallucination seen while high on Quatch.

NORWAY, Michigan -- This disgusting town of 213 deep in the Michigan woods is fast growing accustomed to the intrusions of the news media and the DEA. In backwoods cabins and trailer parks, desperate men process famously disgusting sasquatch ball sweat into its distilled form, called Quatch on the streets.

Although its rarity kept it low on the law enforcement radar, the not-yet-illegal substance has been quietly working its way into high schools, playgrounds, mental asylums and bowling alleys of America. Tweens and teens, one by one, are getting hooked on the stuff, sometimes after only one use.

Today, Norway is one of the hotspots of Quatch activity. "We knew some of them crazy boys were up by Tennant Lake last summer, cooking up some awful smelling stuff," said Park Ranger Albert Speer. "I figured it was just some hunters, up there drinking hooch, eating severed pussy and encouraging one another to squeal like pigs. Now look at all the fuss! Drugs are tearing this nation apart, sure enough."

Sasquatch ball sweat, said to have hallucinatory properties similar to Patak's Garlic Pickle. Although neither has been formally regulated by the DEA, agents and other law enforcement are staking out their territories early in preparation for an upcoming Congressional bill which would outlaw Quatch, Patak's, and many other so-called "natural highs." Why they can't just smoke weed is a mystery.

Sources

• Alexander Bittitoff "Quatch rivals meth in popularity" Newsweek, March 24, 2010