UnNews:Keith Richards memoirs may be a very short book

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

6 July 2010

.'yeah that looks like me with other guys..got any spare drugs boys?'. Keith Richards' memory may be coming back.

LONDON, United Kingdom -- Ageing Rolling Stones' one man chemistry set, Sir Keith Richards is to publish his memoirs - but admits he remembers 'sod all' from his rock and roll past.

The Kent born guitarist who teamed up with Mick Jagger and Brian Jones to form the Rolling Stones in the early 1960s will soon finish his book Stoned Out:Keith Richards in his own words..sort of in the next few months. Announcing the news at a press conference held in his jacuzzi and surrounded by mirrors,a drinks trolley and smoking a cigarette, Richards asked one of his assistants to prop him up on an inflatable pillow. He then answered questions on an international video link to a room full of journalists 3,000 miles away.

Yeah...er...you see..I can't have Mick saying the Stones was all his idea...because it wasn't...and...well there with these two birds, mormons apparently...we met....backstage at the Little Jimi Hendrix gig. Ozzy Osbourne was burning his pants on stage and singing about hippies in Liverpool then Mick turned round to me and said 'we can do better than those wankers'...so we..just recorded some songs, became..fuckin' filthy rich..and I've been completely out of my nutter ever since....

Standing up in the jacuzzi and forgetting he was on camera, Richards tried to say what else he was going to mention in his book but then sat down again. Luckily for him, his assistants had pre-recorded Richards' earlier rambling reminisces and then emailed the press a summary . After the press conference was declared to be over, the veteran rocker then fell asleep with a loud snore.

According to the information supplied, for the first time this book Keith Richards recalls the following in reasonably clear detail:-

  • School was a drag!
  • Met Mick outside a girls' school.
  • Years..maybe months later..hours..met Mick on a train. I said. The Last Time I saw you, I drank all your paint bottles in art class...
  • Learned guitar from that bloke, Alexis..
  • What was her name? Some bird..
  • Something happened in 1963
  • Or it could have been 1964? A gig! Yeah!..what was that song..?
  • A lot happened, on the bloody road..fucking hell!
  • I played naked in Buckingham Palace and got a medal from the Queen
  • Mick said to me..do you like drugs? I said..does the pope fuck??
  • What was that tune? Something about Satisfaction.. bloody hell, I forgot the fucking name..
  • 1970s...can't recall...when did Nixon die? He was killed in the war. Stopped taking Brown Sugar in tea.
  • 1980s...Same again. Roll me a joint and help yourself to the cabinet..iced birds in the fridge...hahahah
  • 1990s...Mick said to me..or was it Charlie. I said where's Brian?
  • Snorted me Dad's ashes.. bloody waste!
  • 2003, no 2005, no three, Mick got Knighted, .. told the wanker off..press even agreed!
  • 2005.. a boat somewhere.. fucking hot, it was..
  • 2007.. decided, the older I get, the older I want to get.. told somebody..!?
  • 2008.. a coconut tree.. busted my arse.. no, my head..
  • 2010...Johnny Depp says he ripped me off in the Pirates of the Caribbean. Says something.
  • 7.00am today..Something that Bill [Bill Wyman - an ex-Rolling Stone] mentioned that was funny. Said I had been married and had children. Amazing...I was amazed..like when in the fuck did that happen???
Keith Richards with his scrapbook. It is said to have all his memories from the glory years but that is not certain. It may just contain drug cocktail recipes.

The writing team behind the book say they are sure Richards will remember a lot more and these are 'very, very, early days' . The publishers hope it will be sold to Rupert Murdoch's publishing empire and turned into a fun ride at a hallucingenic theme park. If not, then the surplus stock will be recycled as spliff paper for the wacky baccy brigade.

Sources[edit]