UnNews:Judge Orders man to become a nerd

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16 June 2007

He must look like this guy or he goes to jail

Silicon Valley, Internets- A 24 year old man is being forced to become an uncool nerd after pleading guilty on charges of assault on his ex-girlfriend. "It was either that or 10 years in prison," said Barrister Griffiths, the presiding judge. "He's got off easy and I'm sure as long as cooperates with the court he'll never be able to commit such a crime again".

The sentence includes a strict dress-code which includes him being forced to wear large thick glasses, a white or plaid shirt with pocket protector(s), and ironed pants with a belt. He may wear shorts as long as they are ironed and he is wearing knee high socks. He also must have his hair combed at all times, and wear polished black tennis shoes with white socks (or vice-versa, if he chooses). In addition, later added by the judge, he must make sure his clothes are clean at all times or else this well be direct violation of his "his restricted coolness".

He is also being forced to carry with him a government approved graphing calculator that features a quad core Intel hypertheaded 64-bit processor with 2 GB of superpostioned RAM and a combination a/b/g Wifi/etherent/bluetooth adapter around with him. (The calculator is required to run Debian Linux) He may carry a portable gaming device with as long as it has been modded so that everyone will think he is a hardcore gamer.

He must carry a black, a blue, and a red pen with him in his pocket protector along with a slide rule and a yellow highlighter. He must keep all of these items well polished and in good condition as any geek would.

He'll be forced to get a computer with either linux or a mac and another one with windows installed on it. He must have multiple monitors for his two computers and have them on the same desk. He is also being forced to play World of Warcraft and spend his Friday nights either surfing the web or playing WoW. He must learn leet along with several programing languages including PhP, C++, C#, Perl, Python, bash scripting and is required to know what the difference between Java and JavaScript is and he also being forced to edit Wikipedia weekly. He'll now only be allowed to watch the science channel or reruns of Star Trek or possibly other sci programs(if approved by the court). He must spend at lest 30-40 hours a week on his computer (which must either run a variation of Linux or BSD) and get an I.Q. of at least 160.

He must meet all of the courts orders within 60 days or else he'll force to spend time in prison instead,however some say that this is clear violation of laws that outlaws "cruel and unusualness punishment". Despite this and protest from human rights groups, anti-nerd, and even some nerd groups the court has approved of this plea deal.

Griffiths said in a statement "This deal comes as the best way to protect the general public from future crimes. He and his lawyers agree with this deal and that he has agreed to cooperate with this court order. This is not a cruel and unusual punishment this is just a easy and unusual punishment."

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