UnNews:John Travolta in yet another mishap, Cigar Awards correspondent reports

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

18 July 2008

A mishap occurred today at the 2008 Cigar Awards after celebrity attendees John Travolta and Tom Cruise misunderstood the intention of the awards and were posthumously removed from the premises. The award, which is held on a yearly basis to celebrate the variety, craftsmanship and culture of Cigars has been tarnished after the events of today.

Misunderstanding the premise, Travolta had called cruise asking if he thought that his pink cigar would have been favourable for exhibition, and immediately Mr Cruise was compelled to attend the event alongside him. When they had turned up to the awards, many of the reporters that saw them thought that they would be unable to mingle amidst the cigar connoisseurs as it was crucial to be able to discern the smoke between cigars.

However, due to the immense amount of smoke that had been blown up their ass by David Miscavidge and the entirety of hundreds of Orgs worldwide, they were successfully able to mingle. When the main event was due to begin within 30 minutes, Travolta began to prepare his cigar and Mr Cruise immediately brought it within view so as to showcase it.

The result was that the majority of the people who attended the function were incredibly unsettled, with the exception of Kirsty Alley, who gained an erection from the actions. The spokesman for the event, Sue Presif Personne said that she was "... so shocked that it had occured that I immediately had a quadruple heart attack represented by a quantum singularity, and then after returning to the realm of the living, I fainted.".

This comes after a speight of incidents from the duo over the past few months. Several months ago, Mr Cruise was charged with "being wierd" after he kept hanging outside the mansion of a wealthy local merchant under the impression that wild secks orgies had been going on. Police received the call that a midget seemed to be trying to aim a pistol at the house, but it was later found that it he was merely pleased to see the officers. Responding to today's incident, Travolta released a message through his agent saying "I have no idea why Tom Cruise is being victimised here. This quite frankly sucks and I'd like to say I'm the only guy out there in the Cigar world who has my charisma, balls or thetan powers."

Sources

• Crooze "Secks" Springer Lulz, July 1, 1983