UnNews:Jesus comes in honor of Good Friday
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
2 April 2010
Good Friday - At a church in Delaware, it was reported that Jesus came - literally!
"It was quite shocking," said a floored Delawarean woman. "I didn't expect Jesus to come. And I don't mean that like as innuendo. You just don't expect Jesus to show up these days." The lady then began to fiddle her fingers. "But yeah, he also did cum. And I mean that literally."
Reports have cropped up from witnesses that Jesus barged into the local church, de-robed, and furiously masturbated.
A Delawarean man remembers of the tragic event. "My Lord and Savior walked into the hall, started eyeing me, and then began to rub his holy wang." The man, now visibly in tears, continued, "He then took out a pack of Camels and asked if I had a light!"
When asked for a comment, Jesus bluntly outlined his intentions.
"I've been waiting forever to cum," Jesus said, "But my Father wouldn't let me." When asked exactly why, Jesus declined further comment.
Theologians believe the recent outbreak of sex scandals involving Catholic priests molesting little boys was Jesus' motivation for coming. And cumming.
The church is currently closed for cleaning.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- AFP "BREAKING: Jesus came." CNN, April 2, 2010