UnNews:Interview with You
11 July 20**
Hello everyone and thank you for joining us for this exclusive interview with someone you don't know a single thing about! If you permit me, however, to make a guess, I will bet fifty dollars on the fact that you've all met his mother... and more than once.
Excuse me, are you leaving? We haven't yet reached the most interesting part! Blow a dog slowly and it will pay off, as one of my mothers used to say, I don't remember which whoops wrong script sorry.
In any case, today, we are joined by <insert name here>, who has thankfully decided to grace us with his presence, and we will talk about what it's like to be an Uncyclopedian, what it's like to be adopted and what to eat after being sexually aroused.
And for those amongst you who'd like to pretend they're men of culture, we might also do a bit of pondering on several questions, such as: Does shocking always imply offending? Is it possible to be shocking for the sole purpose of shocking? And finally, in what way is offense philosophically arousing?
“You find me offensive? I find you offensive for finding me offensive!”
UnNews So, before we begin, would you like anything to drink? Vodka with carrot juice? Comin' right up.
[UnNews interviewer proceeds to throw up carrot juice and vodka in <insert name here>'s face.]
UN So, how did you get into Uncyclopediating?
You: Well, as you might all know, I really, really love watching cartoons, mainly Batman. Anyway, one day, I wanted to watch some Batman, so I went to Google, searched up "Bat Fuck Insane" and found the Uncyclopedia article. So here I am.
UN Here you are indeed. Why do you write such, um, articles?
You: I think the problem is that I never really paid any attention in kindergarten. I was too busy... how to put it?
UN Don't worry! We'll certainly understand you.
You: Well, you know what's the thing? Even a slight thought about Miss Corey is... well... philosophically arousing to me, as you phrased it, if you really want to know.
[UnNews interviewer examines <insert name here> from top to bottom.]
UN So it is.
10 Minute Break
UnNews So, my dear <insert name here>, we were talking about philosophical arousal and you, although in a very incorrect way, did me pleasure by using the term I coined. However, moving away from pleasure, immoral (represented by my vanity you did so well to stroke) and physical (symbolized by whatever your sock has become by now)...
[UnNews takes his chair and moves a meter away.]
UN ...Yes, moving away from this, I would love to know what was the worst moment in your entire lifetime.
You: It has got to be when I lost my nipples. I was out in Canada and my nipples got frozen. I was really strange, my nipples just turned into ice cubes, and that's when I made a mistake. I flicked one of them, the right one, if I remember correctly, and it just flew off, into the distance. I thought it would look weird with just one nipple so I flicked the other one off as well.
UN Truly horrendous. What about the second worst moment?
You: There are a few but the one that stands out is when I found out that -
UN You were adopted.
You: - there are 49 calories in 1 tablespoon of Orange Marmalade.
UN You were adopted.
UN You. Were. Adopted.
You: What? No, no, no. No. How can it- But wait. To hell with it! Wait, no! I can't believe it.What the fuck?! What the actual fuck?! What the actual surrealist fuck?! I didn't come here for this! I love my mother, I am fine with her, I don't need more parents, thank you!
UN Hey, you...
You: THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN INTERVIEW AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M ADOPTED! LET ME GUESS, MY ARMS ARE NOT MY REAL ARMS. MY LEGS ARE NOT MY REAL LEGS. MY -
UN Your legs aren't your real legs.
You: What kind of place is this?
UN I guess you can answer this yourself.
You: Well, this is Uncyclopedia, the place of...
UN ...fun times and jokes.
You: Mean times, I was going to say. What about all the digs your fellow journalists made towards me, are those a joke?
UN I guess you can ask this question to my fellow journalists, although they are neither my fellow, nor, God Almighty, journalists.
You: What about the thing you just did to me under the table, was that a joke?
UN Couldn't resist, sorry. But yeah, also a joke.
You: And what constitutes a joke here?
UN My dear sir, since when do you consider yourself the interviewer?
You: Oh, sorry...
UN Now, please, I beg you with all my force and it'll do me great pleasure if you don't get out of line again... If you do, I'll do my best to whip you with the hardest, most spiked bit of leather I can find till you die of internal bleeding or start dripping brains out of your nose. That being entirely clear, tell us what constitutes a joke here?
You: Um, well it's tough to explain, you know, Uncyclopedia is home to all sorts of humor whether it's stupid or brilliant. And there are very few times where all types of humor blend; high, middle and low-brow, and then they take those articles, and call them features...
You: And then they aren't good for anything apart from toilet paper... Actually they aren't even good for toilet paper...
You: Look at pages such as Turing Duck Test, for instance, they're... Wait, are you just saying "Uh-huh"?
UN Uh-huh, oh wait no. I was listening the entire time, your commentary on duck fucking was especially provocative. Bravo! Bravo!
You: So everything I say is a joke?
You: Can we move onto some more serious questions now?
UN Interviewee, can we move onto more serious questions?
You: OK, sure.
UN Now, we are getting into very, very complex concepts. Before I say anything, know that I am going to talk about a hypothetic situation and anything that may seem realistic or relevant to your personal life, isn't, well, intended. We want you to think so, get it? Do you wish to continue?
UN So, imagine, that you suddenly received access to a device, that would allow you, with a simple click of a button, to kill anyone you wanted. And moreover, there would be no possibility that you would ever be caught. And imagine that you had a very old and distant relative who had plenty of money. Ple-enty of money. And imagine that he has written a will, according to which all of it, I repeat - all of it, - would go to you in case of his death. In that case, if you had a choice between pressing on that button or not pressing on that button...
You: I wouldn't, of course.
UN No, of course, you would, that isn't it even the question. My question is-
You: What? Can we change-
UN Huh? Someone is on his defensive right now? Why so? Ok, let's be tolerant and indulgent. Love your enemies and quit torturing them, right?
You: I suppose so.
UN I bet you do. All right, I'll try to calm my sado-masochistic desires and you calm yours - that's the only deal! I'll just ask you a simple question: forget all the crimes you've just committed and simply picture yourself in a situation, where you would be sexually aroused by a half-eaten fish.
UN In that case, what would you have for dinner?
You: Oh, easy one. Pasta with homemade marinara sauce, potatoes au gratin, and some chocolate mousse with Italian white alba truffles. Not to forget the fish I would be aroused by!
UN And may I ask you, how often do you eat that?
You: About once a week I guess, maybe twice.
UN So you're saying that twice a week you get sexually aroused by a half-eaten fish? And maybe, oh God, do even worse things?! That is disgusting! Get out of here, you sinner!
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
You: Err, but -
[UnNews pushes you out of the door.]