UnNews:Inspired by the television show "Breaking Bad", thousands of Americans turn to cooking meth to pay bills
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
25 January 2012
ABQ, New Mexico - Inspired by the antics of high school chemistry teacher Walter White and his student turned lab assistant Jesse Pinkman, thousands of Americans are turning to crystal meth to make ends meet in today's difficult economy. With record amounts of foreclosures and medical bankruptcies, many people see crystal meth as their only option to make money. It has gotten so bad that it is estimated that there are over 1 million meth addicts just in the US alone and tens of thousands of cooks. The recession, has sent thousands of previously law abiding citizens into the lab in an effort to pay off bills.
DEA agent Steven Gomez told UnNews that many of the people he arrests for meth production and distribution cite Walter White as their inspiration. One woman who was arrested who only gave UnNews her first name, Stephanie, summed up how easy it was to cook meth after watching the show. "It's a piece of cake to make some crystal meth, if the way is hazy, you gotta do the cookin by the book, Walt is never lazy". She said that using Walt's method has allowed her to make the purest meth she's ever seen. She said despite the popularity of the show, many meth cooks are still sloppy and don't use the proper cooking techniques, similar to what Jesse Pinkman did prior to teaming up with Walt. "Never use Jesse's recipe, the meth will end up crazy, but if you do the cooking by the book, then you'll have good meth".
Gomez further went on to explain that as a result of the show's contribution to the meth trade, AMC has been ordered by government and law enforcement agencies to immediately cease production of the show and to remove all repeats from both their airwaves and the internet. SOFA (the Stop Online Freedom Act) has given the government the ability to immediately purge the internet of all traces of the show. Online torrent sites have been shut down completely, AMC has purged it from their website, and Netflix has been ordered to stop carrying the show as well. DEA agents have stormed retail stores such as Walmart ceasing any copies of Breaking Bad DVDs or Bluray discs. Anyone who owns any copies of the show on DVD or on flash drives or their computer has been ordered to delete and destroy all traces of it. Those who fail to comply could face penalties ranging from a fine to the death penalty depending on their income, political affiliation, and ethnic background.
Police are cracking down all across the country on meth users, distributors, and producers as well as Breaking Bad viewers. Even the actors on the show have been arrested and jailed, charged with aiding and abetting criminals in the drug trade. Bryan Cranston, who plays Walter White, is facing a life sentence if he is convicted. Things are looking pretty bad for Cranston, especially after his lawyer, Saul Goodman was arrested for money laundering. Aaron Paul, who plays Jesse Pinkman, is facing the death penalty because his onscreen character is less respectable than Cranston's. Anna Gunn, who plays Walt's wife Skyler, has been charged with aiding and abetting after the fact while Betsy Brandt who plays Marie has been charged with shoplifting. Both Gunn and Brandt could face up to 10 years in prison if convicted. RJ Mitte who plays Walter Junior has been charged with disability fraud.
People have taken to the street to protest the government's decision cancel the show and to arrest and charge the entire Breaking Bad cast. Film critic Richard Roeper calls Breaking Bad the best show ever made telling UnNews that not even Dexter and the Sopranos can match it. "Its no wonder people are up in arms about its cancellation" he said. The US government is considering using deadly force to put down the protesters. President Obama is hesitating but the Republican controlled Congress is pressuring him to act quickly or "face the consequences". When asked to elaborate what these consequences were, House Speaker John Boehner refused comment only saying that "The American people better realize who's in charge now, and that includes the President". It is not known what will become of the protests for sure but if past history is an accurate predictor of the future, it should fizzle out in a month or so. "Once you scare them a little and people know their place, they generally settle down and return to their station in life" Boehner added.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Walter "Heisenburg" White "WOMAN ARRESTED FOR COOKING METH INSIDE WALMART STORE" The Zig Zagger, December 12, 2011
- Lil Jon "Cooking by the book ft. Lil Jon" Funny or Die, January 25th, 2012