UnNews:Hurricane Sandy diverts attention from election
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 October 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Hurricane Sandy, which some call a "Frankenstorm," will smack the U.S. Eastern Seaboard with a crucial distraction from endgame gambits in the Presidential political season.
The brunt of the mayhem will be concentrated on wherever the storm comes ashore next Tuesday. This is to be differentiated from the brunt of voters' mayhem in polling places on the following Tuesday.
The hurricane has killed 20 people in the Bahamas, which is a foreign country that we don't care about. Meanwhile, Al-Qaeda-affiliated terrorists have killed 4 people in Benghazi, and they are Americans and so we do. Although Benghazi isn't, and we don't. But it is clear that the American electorate can only care about one or the other, a crucial fact that might yet save President Obama.
A broad swath of the Eastern Seaboard 180 Electoral Votes wide will get winds approaching 50 mph, sending residents to stores to hoard bread and milk, causing traffic jams, and rendering them oblivious to the damaging political news that a yet-to-be-named White House scapegoat failed to give the order to rescue the four Americans at any point during the seven-hour siege of the Benghazi consulate.
The broad damage about to be done by Hurricane Sandy pales in comparison to the damage done to our sensibilities by both candidates hurling made-up charges that their opponents are vague about their plans for the next four years. Merely losing a porch to high tides is likely to be a welcome relief.
Wherever Sandy comes ashore will get 1,000 inches of rain and extreme storm surges, said Joe Biden, hurriedly appointed the NOAA director of prediction after he asserted that Mitt Romney's tax cut amounted to $500,000,000 million. Mr. Biden said that up to 200 feet of snow should fall on West Virginia. And pivotal New Hampshire may get an attack of killer dandruff. Both Presidential candidates have been there bi-weekly, which must owe to the weather forecast, as the place has virtually no Electoral Votes.
Already, teams of ballot-law attorneys are rushing to various state capitals to manage the rare event. Municipalities fearing mayhem are cancelling transit services, making it a certainty.
New York mayor Michael Bloomberg said the city was striking a tone of calm preparedness and avoidance of 20-ounce sodas. "What we are doing is taking precautions, peering around every corner before proceeding, but avoiding panic," he said. The city has opened an emergency situation room, which is valued at 2 Electoral Votes in its own right. Stock trading has been halted nationwide, as the country's hand-held devices are not up to such a task, but can only tweet and view movie trailers.
Some have compared the tempest to the so-called Perfect Storm that struck off the coast of New England in 1991, but a movie was made of that one. Whereas the only movie made of the political situation is the documentary Obama Shrugged: Part 2016, and no one has even seen that one.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Seth Borenstein "East Coast braces for monster 'Frankenstorm'" Associated Press, October 26, 2012