UnNews:Hiccup outbreak causes panic

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20 February 2009

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

EVERYWHERE, USA — The unthinkable has happened. It began at 3:00 this morning in Washington DC, when the first victim came in to a hospital with a case of the hiccups that WOULDN'T GO AWAY. Doctors were terrified by the persistency of the hiccups, but nothing could compare with the terror they felt when screams of "HIC!" were heard from all over the hospital. The hiccups were airborne and VERY contagious.

It didn't take long before half of Washington was struggling to breathe through the embarrassing-but-deadly super-hiccups. Doctors tried to figure out what was causing the hiccups. They found that these things caused the hiccups:

  • Sage's underwear
  • Franny's torpedoes
  • Mrs. Jackson's 80's hair

All of these things causing the outbreak need to be destroyed immediately.

The hiccups were spreading quickly, affecting 23 unnamed states and increasing by one state per half-hour. The USA has been put into quarantine, but doctors still fear the hiccups will spread to Canada and/or Mexico anyway. Luckily, the hiccups aren't fatal, however, with surgeons, pilots, athletes, construction workers, and many other civil servants unable to do their jobs, the hiccups pose a serious threat to society. The USA is in an uproar. People everywhere are desperately trying to get rid of the hiccups. The new Friday the 13th movie has completely sold out, people are doing handstands for hours on end, reportedly 3768 people have died from holding their breath too long, and experts estimate that 1/10 of the entire world's water supply has been consumed. Due to the lattermost failed attempt at curing the outbreak, seawater poisoning has reached crisis level.

I don't know how long this epidemic will last, dear reader, but this reporter better get back to his basement before —

<HIC!!!>

Oh <HIC!!!> crap.

edit Sources

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.
  • JUST <HIC!!!> LOOK <HIC!!!> OUTSIDE!!!